This little black girl wanted to dance but life happens: Three stories I can tell and the one I choose

Originally published on Substack

When I was little, I really wanted to learn ballet but I didn’t go to ballet classes.

I could tell you 2 stories about that, but I don’t like them. So I created a third story, because why get stuck in a story I don’t like?

The first story I can tell you is about that we couldn’t afford ballet classes. My mom was a single mom working nights to take care of 3 girls. We spent our early years living with relatives and in apartments until she bought a house. While my classmates couldn’t wait for summer vacation, I couldn’t wait for back to school and the fun activities I got to do there versus being stuck at home all day.

In this story, I was an underprivileged minority who lacked resources and ballet class was the symbol of all I missed out on.

That’s one story.

The second story I can tell you is about the oldest daughter who squashed her dreams.

I never (and still haven’t) told my mom I wanted to take ballet classes. Before 10 years old, I already knew we didn’t have money. We were poor. And anytime my sisters asked for anything that cost money, I glared at them and shook my head, warning them not to ask and stress our mom out even more. She was already tired from working all night. She had no help from our dad and wasn’t good at asking for help so it all fell on her. I was just a kid but I could help by needing less. I could help by taking care of my sisters, even though I was only 1.5 to 3 years older than my little sisters.

I didn’t need ballet classes, after all.

In this story, I’m the parentified victim, who has to learn to be a child and dream again as an adult. If I really wanted to commit to this storyline, I could take adult ballet classes and realize this long-held dream (and I did consider it).

Those are 2 stories I told myself about my childhood.

But I didn’t like them.

So I made a new one.

The story I’m telling is I wanted to learn ballet and thought “How can I do ballet if I don’t go to ballet class?”

And the answer was in my absolute favorite place - the public library. (Yes, this was before YouTube existed). So I went to the library, checked out books on ballet, and took them home to read. I practiced the 5 positions in the living room. I stretched and walked on my toes (something I did anyway so now it was intentional ballet practice, not just a weird quirk). I learned about the Russian Ballet and the hierarchy of dance companies. I read Ballet Shoes and wondered which orphan’s ending I preferred. I danced in house slippers that looked like ballet slippers.

I didn’t go to ballet class but I still danced.

The point was expression, to dance, and I did. I danced so I was a dancer.

That’s the story I choose.

Because if you give me 2 options I don’t like, I’m going to create a third one I like better.

Why get stuck in stories we don’t like when we can make a new one?