What my body was holding: What 365 days of meditation revealed

Originally published on Substack

How I Started

I started meditating off and on in 2023, 10 minutes at a time, usually a simple somatic practice of focusing on a part of my body and noticing the sensations.

I usually only meditated Monday through Friday then stopped over the weekend and had to re-start on Monday again (if I remembered to do it). But in April 2024, I had a thought: what if I kept meditating through the weekend?

When I intentionally continued through the weekend, it stuck. I started a streak - 1 week, 1 month, 1 quarter. Eventually, I extended my daily meditation from 10 minutes to 15 (though I sometimes did 5 minutes or even just 1 on busier days).

I became curious if I could reach 365 days.

I did.

Now that I've finished, I'm reflecting on what I learned. After many of my meditation sessions, I journaled my observations. Looking back now, two big changes stood out: my racing thoughts stopped and I discovered deep-stored emotions of unworthiness.

How Meditation Changed My Racing Thoughts

Like many other neurodivergent people, I've always had trouble falling asleep because my mind races at night. When I lay down, my thoughts get the zoomies. I'd get ideas that I had to write down - otherwise I'd lie there trying to remember them instead of falling asleep.

When I started my micro-business tutoring math online, the racing thoughts got worse. I had SO MANY business ideas. And had the same problem when I started my bookkeeping business: too many ideas coming at bedtime.

When I first started meditating, I realized that sitting down, eyes closed, breathing slowly created the same conditions as trying to sleep. I'd slowed down, so my thoughts could come out to play and ideas started rolling in.

I wondered if I was having racing thoughts at night because that was the first time all day my mind had a chance to run free, like a toddler cooped up in a classroom finally released to run around at the end of the day. My mind needed more time to just be, with no distractions so my thoughts could exhaust themselves.

I learned to keep my phone or pen and paper nearby during meditation to write down ideas so I didn’t have to worry about forgetting them. And eventually, I noticed my mind felt clear after a 10-minute meditation. Around the halfway point of the 365 days, my thoughts and ideas became more complete.

I wrote in my journal:

I always have a lot of thoughts but these ideas are like my thoughts all got together and did a group project - more put together [as] one compact idea instead of multiple half ideas... Some days are full of thoughts whirling and other days they settle down quickly within the first few minutes and I can either sit quietly or focus on my body.

Now, 365 days later, those racing thoughts have mostly disappeared. Some meditation sessions are just quiet - I focus on my body instead of watching runaway thoughts. And at bedtime? I rarely have racing thoughts anymore. It's still not easy to fall asleep, but racing thoughts aren’t part of the issue anymore.

How Meditation Affected My Emotions

Meditating opened up communication with my body, and I discovered heavy emotions stored there. You know how people randomly cry during yoga when old emotions release? I got that with meditation.

My meditation shifted to focus on my physical body. (Doing qigong helped with this too - I wrote about that here). Sitting quietly to breathe and focus my attention on my body took it further. It wasn't just focusing on body parts, though. During daily life, I'd notice internal feelings - like a stomach twinge around certain topics or people. I learned to take a 'mental snapshot' of that feeling, then focus on it during meditation.

What usually happened: an emotion released, OR I found more emotions underneath that needed attention to release.

The big emotion that needed releasing: I viscerally didn't feel I deserved good. My body had stored the emotion that I just don't deserve good things, and it couldn't hold much good. Where did it come from? Not sure but some of it felt generational - passed down to me. Some came from childhood family dynamics. Some from my own experiences.

Whatever the cause, it was in my body and impacting me because not being able to physically hold much good caused an "upper limit problem" - unconsciously limiting how much joy I experience (as the book The Big Leap explains - loved that book and it helped me put words to this).

Meditation helped me find and focus on it - the only way to release it. Talking and writing helped me recognize and describe it, but couldn't resolve the physical sensation. I had to feel it and let it release over time. And it took a LOT of time.

Here’s some of my observations on what I found and released:

The discovery of stored emotions:

"Today I released the crap from my middle school to college years during my meditation. I felt something pop in my lower left abdomen/middle. Stuff moved." (Sept 22, 2024)

"Not deserving good" theme:

"I viscerally didn't feel I deserved good. I've been meditating on that part of my body for #3, giving it attention and warmth and I feel that part dissolving (best word I can think of) so I now feel more comfortable with good." (May 19, 2024)

"Today's meditation focused on my left side again and there was more sad. Lots of deep sadness." (Jan 11, 2025)

The discovery of stored generational emotions

"Eventually thought of my mom and aunt - there's some weird jealousy there. And then thought of my grandma and her sisters - some definite rivalry? Something there, probably based on lighter versus darker skin and what comes along with that. When I got to this point, something released in my left side - tension in my midsection and air? gas? Released." (Dec 17, 2024)

The emotional releasing process:

"Today's meditation I focused on what feels like a long rod in my midsection, stomach, like a plug…so I focused on it and it's moved some. Still there but made some progress. Tears fell after." (Feb 18, 2025)

"Found a place on my body where receiving resources (mainly money) has a physical reaction/restriction. It's in my throat, the upper part." (Mar 14, 2025)

I can't say all those heavy emotions are gone, but now my body feels unburdened. Looking back at my journal entries showed me the progress - from that deep buried feeling of not deserving any good to now being able to hold more good and accept more good.

What Now?

So now that I've finished my 365 days, what next? Am I still meditating?

Yes, but not every day. About halfway through, I realized I didn’t want to meditate daily forever. I knew it wasn't the only way to get more in tune with myself, so I gave myself permission to stop the daily practice and do it as needed or wanted. Some days I meditate, some days I don't. But I try to stay in tune with my body. I'm more able to notice what I need - to slow down, to take a breather away from people - in the moment instead of 2 days, 2 weeks, or even 2 months later.

I'm still doing somatic meditation because emotions that aren't mine - the deeply stored ones plus the ones I absorb from other people and situations daily - need regular clearing. But I want to incorporate my other favorite ways to clear emotions - singing and dancing.

Maybe that’s my next experiment?