You can have revenge or change but you can't have both: A lesson from our Southeast Asia travel

Originally published on Substack

You can have revenge or change, but you can’t have both.

And I gave up my chance for revenge to choose change in 2023 when my husband and I traveled for 6 months in Southeast Asia - combining his sabbatical with our desire to travel.

During our travels, my husband Aaron became the “house husband” since he was on sabbatical and I worked remotely. While I stared at Quickbooks on my laptop screen, he cooked and cleaned and even grocery shopped by himself.

And it was awesome.

I would rather not do any of those activities (except maybe grocery shopping).

And then this happened, the moment where I had to choose revenge or connection.

To give context: we arrived in Bangkok, Thailand on July 19.

The moment happened a month later on August 19. So my husband had been the "house husband" for about 2 months - starting when he stopped working a month before our departure, then continuing through our first month in Bangkok.

Read what happened direct from my journal entry:

OMG do you know what Aaron said? We just got home and sat a bit then I went to put laundry in the machine and he went to get water and he came back and said

“I can’t do chores and go out that much. It’s too much to do both.”

Or something like that. Can’t recall verbatim but that was the gist of it.

And omg it was so satisfying. Like he realized that on his own. It’s so satisfying and I wish I could communicate the visceral feel of

HOW

SATISFYING

THIS

IS!!

He gets it. Or part of it. But enough.

He’s not trained to accept that his life is a series of impossible missions just to exist as a woman. He’s just like “no this is not sustainable for me.” So simple.

As you can see, I had 2 reactions to him acknowledging the hard work involved to do chores and then still try to be a fun person who goes out and does fun things.

Let me start with the 2nd reaction.

He quickly realized how hard housework is and said so. I don’t recall how long it took me to admit that to him, but I bet it was longer than 2 months. We women are so used to silently enduring discomfort.

(Related detour that has a point, I promise.)

Do you remember in 2018 when Paul Rudd complained about his uncomfortable Ant-Man suit? And his co-star Evangeline Lilly quipped that men lacked "the life experience of being uncomfortable for the sake of looking good”, highlighting her tall high heels.

And while other women laughed sharing this incident with each other, I thought: “No, men aren’t babies; they’re right. Your clothes shouldn’t make you feel like you’re dying. If we have the choice, we shouldn’t choose this.”

So that was one of my reactions - amazement at how quickly he realized and expressed the too-muchness of chores.

Let’s look at my other reaction.

My other reaction was actually the first - satisfaction that he finally understood my housework struggles. And after that satisfaction? A brief temptation to let him wallow in that frustration, just like Evangeline’s attitude toward Rudd's complaints: "I've endured this all along, now it's your turn."

I was tempted to throw all that old frustration and feel that sweet sweet feeling of “Haha now you see?”

But I didn’t do it.

Because you can have revenge or change, but you can’t have both.

You can have revenge or connection, but not both.

You can have revenge or healing, but not both.

And I wanted change. I wanted to wake up late to a yummy breakfast and a clean home. I wanted to skip grocery trips knowing he’d still return with the right stuff. I wanted better than vindication.

You can have revenge or change, but you can’t have both.

And I chose change.