Learning to ask for help as an adult

Being an autistic adult

“Okay, let’s start with something easy.”

I sat up straighter in my chair.

“How is your body feeling physically right now?”

I frowned and mentally scanned, starting with my head. No headache today, yay. Down to my mouth…oh, it feels gross. Did I forget to drink water again this morning? “My mouth feels yucky.” I swallowed. Yep, no moisture in the back of my throat. “I think I forgot to drink water earlier.”

The instructor paused an extra beat then said. “Okay, so what would help you right now?”

I shrugged. No idea what she could do for me right now.

She continued. “Would drinking water help?”

“Yes.”

“So do you want me to bring you water?”

“I don’t know, I guess if you want to. Or I can wait til I get home.”

“Well, I do have water here. So it’s an option. So would that help with your yucky mouth?” I nodded. “Okay, then explain that to me. How can I help with your yucky mouth?” I focused on her uneven blonde fringe and made what I hoped was a confused face, not an angry face. How was I supposed to do that?

I thought we were starting easy.

She had kept talking during my mini-freakout and I tuned back in quickly. “You can say ‘My mouth feels yucky and drinking some water would help me out. Can you help me?’ Or whatever version of that you want to say.”

I didn’t feel like making my own so I copied her. “My mouth feels yucky and drinking some water would help me out. Can you help me?”

She smiled and nodded. “Yes, I actually do have some water. Let me go get it.” She walked away and through the doors behind the table. She returned in a minute with 2 bottles of water. I took one and drank a few sips to wet my mouth.

“Okay, now tell me how you feel. Does that help your mouth?” She asked. I swished the water in my mouth, wetting it and swallowing to wet my throat. Hmm, better but not completely. It still felt yucky.

“Well, my mouth doesn’t feel so dry anymore…” I trailed off, not wanting to finish the but coming.

“But,” she added, pursuing the unsaid. “But there’s still some way I can possibly help you. How? Tell me.”

I sighed. This was getting harder. “Well, my mouth is still yucky. But I don’t know you can help with that. I need some options. Like if you had gum or mouthwash, that would be good to know.”

She smiled again. “Take a chance and ask. Explain to me how I can help you just like you did with the water.”

I made my frowny-thinking face, stalling. I really didn’t want to say “I don’t know how”. Instead, I said: “I don’t remember how I said it earlier.”

She pulled out a whiteboard and dry erase marker and wrote on it. “This is a template you can use. You don’t have to say exactly this but if you want to, you can.” She pushed the board toward me and I grabbed it to read.

[State problem] and maybe [explain what can help/possible solution] will help. Can you help me?

She added, a little rushed: “It’s hard to make a template apply to all situations and still be simple so let me know if you’re not sure how to say something and I’ll help you figure it out.”

I nodded and tried to make my second request. “My mouth still feels yucky and maybe mouthwash or gum will help. Can you help me?”

She smiled bigger and said “Yes, I actually have some gum. Let me get it for you.” And she actually handed me mint Take 5 gum from her pocket. What else did she have here??

I unwrapped and chewed it, thankful for the momentary reason to not talk. Silence filled the room for a minute. So comforting. This instructor knew how to be at peace in silence. Then she broke it to ask “So how do you feel now? Is your mouth still yucky?”

I shook my head, still chewing. “Nope, it feels much better now. Thank you for the gum and water.”

“And how hard was it to ask for help? Scale of 1 to 10, 10 being ridiculously impossibly hard, 1 being no effort at all.”

I thought.

And thought.

And thought.

“Umm, a 5? Not that bad but having the example sentence really helped, otherwise it would be more like 8.”

She nodded her head and wrote something down on a pad of paper. Her pen was purple.

I wonder why she uses a purple pen and not blue or black?

She finished writing, set her pen down, leaned back and sighed. “Okay, so let’s try something a bit harder. How are you feeling? Less physical focus and more mental or emotional focus. So you can start with a physical feeling and we’ll work to the more abstract.”

Okay. Hopefully my face isn’t panicked face right now. Mental or emotional…I exhaled forcefully and loudly, focusing on my body again, checking my midsection, always good for feelings.

And there it was, tension in my stomach. Familiar.

“My stomach is tense.”

“Are you feeling stressed? Nervous? Anxious?”

“Yes.”

“Why?”

“Because I need to figure out how I’m feeling emotionally and I hardly ever know that. It’s hard.”

“So what would help you out with that stress?”

“Well, I already told you I’m stressed so it’d be nice to finish with this task…”

Silence again.

She didn’t fill in for me. She pointed to the whiteboard with the template sentence.

I thought a moment and then said “I’m stressed and tense and maybe if we take a break talking about my emotions for a bit that will help. Can you help me?”

She grinned so big I started smiling too. “Yes, we can stop there. I want to do some more practice but that can wait til next week.”

My eyes widened. “Really?”

“Yep. You did a good job with this hard one. Emotions are hard stuff.”

“Thanks! So that’s it? Now I know how to make friends?”

She bit her lip again, thinking or nervous or both. “It’s a start. People need to know what they can help you with so you can be friends. So that’s why it’s important for you to learn to express your problem and how people can help. Like if you just told me you were thirsty and I gave you soda, would that have helped earlier?”

“Ew, no. That would make me thirstier.”

“Exactly, knowing you wanted water helped me to help you. You clearly told me how I could help and then it was up to me to try to help you or refuse. Friendships are a 2-way street. Both people have a part to play, so it’s not all you or all the other person doing things. You have to help each other out and communicate. Expressing needs is a good start.”

I looked at the table, at the whiteboard, and nodded, wishing I could carry that board around with me everywhere. “Well, I have a hard time knowing what I need so maybe this practice will help more. Can you help me?” I looked up at her fringe again. “How was that?”

She stopped smiling, suddenly serious. “That was perfect. And yes, I can help you.”