How I navigated social gatherings as an undiagnosed autistic young adult: Join the kid party or eavesdrop on the adults?

Originally published on Medium

Join the kid party or eavesdrop on the adults?

Growing up, this was the decision I faced at each church or family social gathering.

Up into my teens, I managed to do both: run around with the little kids and then sit quietly in the background of adult conversation for a break. And go back out to run around/dance some more when I’d had enough listening and needed to MOVE.

As a kid, I definitely knew how lucky I was to be able to do both. Poor adults! They didn’t like to run around for some reason. OR dance! Just. So. Much. Sitting. Still.

But that was then and this was now.

I looked around the crowded gymnasium dressed up as a graduation party. I sat in a chair at the end of a long table covered in snack food and reluctantly realized I had entered the adult side of parties. I was 21 now. I sat in a chair like the adults. Despite my short height and baby face, I was not a part of the kid group and the only way I could run around with them now was as a super-helicopter babysitter interrupting their fun.

So that option of movement was off the table (figuratively speaking).

What about dancing? Based on past gatherings with this group of people, I doubted there would be dancing. And even if there was, only the little kids would jump on the dance floor. Join them and be the center of attention or stay in the safety of my grown-up person chair?

I watched the little kids crawling underneath tables and smiled. No weather chit-chat for them.

The soda in my hand kept coming up to my mouth to give it something to do.

Uh-oh. Awkward eye contact with an older woman in conversation at the next table. Look away slowly and pretend to be thinking about what cake to eat next. Look at the cake table! Pick a cake and wrinkle my lips, tilt my head like I’m thinking “Hmm, which one?” Success! The woman looks back at her conversation partner and continues talking about something that I somehow am able to still hear from this distance.

Keep smiling.

Just keep smiling.

Hard to know which was worse: drinking soda too slowly to kill time or killing conversation too fast to pass time.

But probably the second one.