When the right advice is wrong for me: How to make networking events less awful
Originally published on Substack
My personal trick to make networking events less awful as an introverted business owner?
Let them be potentially awful.
I’ve noticed many people prep themselves for an event with phrases like “This is going to be fun” or “I’m so excited to go.”
But that attitude doesn’t work for me. It's too much pressure to make this event go well and I can’t show up curious and open-minded. So instead, I play a game of “How awful will this event be?”
I keep that question in mind when I enter the event room. It’s not a negative question, but a curious one, almost a challenge asking "No, really, how bad can it be?"
I like that this game removes any pressure to make an event memorable. Any less-than-good moments are just points marked on a mental scoreboard with a smile instead of an anxious stomachache.
If the event is awful, I win the game. And if it’s not awful, the loss is still a personal win.
Ironically, since starting this game, I rarely have a terrible time at networking events. I usually have at least one interesting conversation. And I don’t always leave early.
The takeaway?
Sometimes doing the opposite of everyone else gets us to the same place faster and happier. Because the right advice for one person can be the wrong advice for another.
The problem with undefined social invitations: This is why I'm just going to say "no"
Originally published on Substack
Okay. Fine. I admit it.
I don’t handle social ambiguity well.
To have fun, I need as much clarity and specificity as possible. Specificity like sending a Calendly link to schedule a catch-up with my sister. That’s the level of unambiguity I need to enjoy a social event.
So invitations like “come over anytime” are just not for me due to the ridiculous amount of time spent analyzing them, looking for meaning.
First, I wonder if it’s an actual invitation. Or maybe the invite is the polite message “I’m saying goodbye in a way to leave this conversation without feeling bad.”
Then, if I feel this is a genuine invitation, I try to figure out the meaning of “anytime.”
They haven’t told me their preferred visiting times. I don’t know their daily schedule. So am I supposed to intuit what “anytime” means? (Because I know it's not literally any time. I doubt they want me to pop by at midnight.)
Next, I think about what we’ll do during the visit. Should I bring a game to play? What if I don’t feel like talking? And how long should I stay?
After all that thinking, I’m tired already. And I haven’t even gotten to the actual peopling part!
So let’s be honest:
I’m not showing up to your casual “come anytime” invite.
Sorry not sorry.
But if you say something like “Hey, I’m making cookies tomorrow. Stop by around 5 to get some.”
I’ll be there.
Because instead of freezing from analysis-paralysis, I can ask myself easy questions with easy answers:
Am I free around 5? Yes.
Do I want cookies? Yes.
And even if I don’t want cookies, do I want to visit this person? Yes.
That’s the level of specificity I need to enjoy being around other people.
What overwhelm looks like for me: Because it still happens sometimes even with a good routine
Originally published on Medium
I need to brain dump my thoughts onto paper daily at first and then multiple times a day (but I don’t save the paper).
I think so loudly that I miss what’s happening around me.
I bump into more objects and lose track of where my limbs are.
My brain is busy when I try to sleep and is still going when I wake up.
My stomach is tense and my breaths are shallow.
Video is overstimulating reading is overstimulating I’m under stimulated inactivity is somehow overstimulating.
I need multiple lists and reminders to remember what I’m doing.
I’m stressed by
everything.
And I don’t notice all this until I finally remember to
stop
take a deep breath
and then I realize: Oh. I’m overwhelmed
Improving my mood by changing my wake up time: I experimented with different wake up times and 6:15 am won
Originally published on Medium
I experimented with waking up at different times to see how it affects my mood. And I noticed an improvement when I wake up before 7:00 am.
The experiment started this summer when I took advantage of my flexible schedule and began snoozing my usual 7:30 am alarm.
My brain interpreted the later wake up time to mean “Go to bed later!” And since I slept later again, I snoozed the alarm again the next morning.
And so the Sleep Late-Wake Late cycle began again.
This happens sometimes, thanks to a lifetime of sleep troubles. It’s a familiar cycle that I have to break out of. And I can’t break out of it by going to sleep earlier. That NEVER works.
What works is a hard reset by waking up very early.
Even if I sleep late the night before.
This summer, I accidentally broke the cycle by waking up early for an appointment. The alarm rang at 6:00 am and I opened my eyes, fully awake. I didn’t even think about tapping the “Snooze” button.
The scientist in me wondered “Is my 7:30 am wake up time making me want to snooze my alarm?”
So I decided to test it out. I woke up at different times each morning and noticed how I felt.
7:00 am — Feel more awake but still tempted to snooze my alarm.
8:00 am — Feel so pessimistic, want to keep sleeping. Ugh, why am I getting up.
9:00 — Feel a bit more awake but still groggy. And now the day feels off since I woke up later than usual.
6:30 — Feel more awake, getting up was less of a chore, less tempted to snooze the alarm
6:00 am — …Am I me? What are these effortlessly positive and happy feelings?? Not tempted to snooze the alarm. Hmm…
6:15 am — I think this is the right time. Still feel positive, happy, looking forward to the day, not tempted to snooze.
My conclusion based on my very scientific self-experiment? Waking up between 6:00–7:00 am greatly improves my mood.
This doesn’t surprise me though. I’ve always loved being up early. There’s something special about being awake when the world is still asleep. I used to wake up at 5 am for church activities and half the fun was being out and about early.
Oh and update: One month later and the 6:15 wake up time is still working.
I wake up at the same time everyday (yes, even weekends). Improving my mood just by changing my wake up time was a successful experiment.
My next challenge? Going from “No, I’d rather stay awake than go to sleep” to “I like going to sleep!”
….We’ll see how that goes.
Yes, this autistic can travel with (a lot of) preparation: My personal travel challenges and experiences
Originally published on Medium
I write a bit about my travel experiences, and this helped me connect with other autistic travelers online who share their experiences too.
And this week, I was quoted in a New York Times article on neurodivergent travel.
I’m still processing this…
…it’s gonna take a while to process this.
Moving on.
I wrote almost a full essay to answer the reporter’s questions and was going to leave them sitting in Google Docs. But then, Rose Ernst, also quoted in the article, had the great idea to share her answers on her Substack.
I’m stealing the idea like an artist and sharing my answers here.
From your experience, what have you found to be some of the challenges for neurodivergent or autistic travelers? Which aspects of travel create the most difficulty? (Overcrowded airports? Plane noises during flights? Staying in unfamiliar hotel rooms? Etc..) Any specific examples from your own experiences where you faced challenges? How did you overcome them?
Getting used to a new place can be hard. I find that it takes me 3 days to feel settled. What helps is building my needs into the schedule instead of forcing myself to be comfortable. The first few days in a new place are focused on acclimating and finding places we like, such as a nice coffee shop or a park. Then those places become the new go-to places to visit. In Da Nang, Vietnam, one coffee shop was my favorite and then another 2 were my backups if I wanted to be closer to home.
I try to have the same daily routine. What works so far is having a routine that’s the same no matter where I am and then allowing for the specific elements to vary. For example, I drink hot water with lemon and honey every morning. Sometimes the lemon is swapped for lime or another citrus fruit I found in the grocery store or apple cider vinegar. It works because I know what to expect each day. This also works for food. I have a basic dish I can cook no matter where I am. Most places have onions, leafy greens, and rice that I can use to make a basic stir fry (my current favorite food).
Travel days — being in transit from one place to another — can be stressful because there’s so many details to track. My solution? Travel days have only one goal: arrive at the next location. Anything else is a bonus. I also treat myself on travel days with my favorite activity: reading. I read ebooks in the airport, on the plane, the bus, etc. Sometimes I watch videos in my excessively long Watch Later list on YouTube.
What, in your experience, does the travel industry do well to assist or accommodate you?
Do travel influencers count as the travel industry? Because they help me a LOT. I like to know from A to B to C all the way to Z what to expect to get me from one location to another. YouTube and social media has been incredibly helpful in talking about the small details. For example, my husband and I went to Bangkok, Thailand last year and watched a ton of videos on how to get from the airport to the sky train. There was one video that filmed the trip from landing at the airport, walking down the pathway and to the first train stop, all the way to the final stop. I want that level of detail when researching my plans.
What could the travel industry do better?
Airports do not have enough signs. I want more signs when navigating the airport so I know I’m going the right way.
One airport, I think it was Boston, had excellent signage. Everytime I felt unsure about where I was going, I would spot a sign pointing me in the right direction. Not all airports are like this.
Signs would be helpful when going through security, too. Not all airports have the same rules for security. Sometimes you have to take out your laptop. Sometimes you don’t. Sometimes you take out the tablet, sometimes you don’t. It’s not consistent, and that is stressful. So I usually just err on the side of taking out all electronics. But it’d be easier if there was a sign with pictures as a reminder. Don’t assume everyone remembers what to do.
You seem to be empowered by traveling! What have the benefits been and what is your message for other autistic people who may not have spent as much time traveling, but who want to?
I’m not a full-time traveler and have done a few house-sits domestically. Internationally, I’ve been to Portugal, Thailand, Malaysia, Vietnam, Ecuador, the ABC islands and domestically I’ve traveled to about 7 states.
When you travel, you realize “normal” is relative. It depends where you are and who you’re around. You can be normal in one place and totally weird in another. For example, I love to eat rice and sit on the floor and not wear shoes indoors. In the United States, that might be different or weird. But when I was in Bangkok, that wasn’t at all unusual. It was everyday life. Riding public transport in some places might be viewed as strange or shady but in others, it’s a way of life. Travel reminds me that normalcy is not fixed.
What made you personally decide to start traveling? What were you doing before that?
I’ve just always wanted to travel. As a kid, I read blogs online of people who traveled to other countries. I read and paid attention to how they prepared for travel. And when travel YouTube became a thing, I watched videos and absorbed their tips and challenges. I guess I’ve been preparing for years! So when I finally started traveling, I had an idea of what to expect.
Music overstimulated me during autistic burnout: This is why I’m glad I can listen to it again
Originally published on Medium
I played a song on my phone at home today and didn’t immediately shut it off. I left it on. I danced to it. I enjoyed it.
That hasn’t happened in a while.
During my autistic burnout, listening to music casually became too overstimulating. That hurt to admit because music was a major part of my life before.
Music was fun. I’d always wanted to play an instrument. I inconsistently taught myself songs on the guitar and watched videos on how to improve my singing. I danced along to musicals and learned dance routines.
Music helped me process emotions. After a hard day, I danced to music to shake off lingering anxieties. When sad, I sang sad songs to cry. When happy, I scream-sang happy songs to let happiness flow.
Music also helped me connect with other people. When driving with passengers, I turned on music because driving and singing is easier than driving and trying to make conversation. And we could talk about our favorite songs. At group karaoke, I was one of the first volunteers to start the party.
But for the past couple of years, I noticed music was too overstimulating. I would turn on a song, enjoy it, and then have a small meltdown. And it kept happening. I didn’t want to force myself to enjoy music so I stopped.
I stopped dancing to music at home. I stopped playing music on drives. I stopped listening to music when cooking. I took a break from music.
Music didn’t completely disappear. I still heard it occasionally, like at boba shops and karaoke with friends.
But having spontaneous music playing in the background of my day? Nope.
And now today, in June 2024, I listened to music on my phone.
And it wasn’t too much! I finished the song! And started another!
Welcome back music!
However long this lasts, I’m glad to have you back.
This autistic woman’s thoughts on the Geek Girl Netflix show: I loved it but not all the changes
Spoiler warning: I reference specific scenes from the book and Netflix show so if you’re avoiding spoilers, stop reading and come back after you finish the book and/or show.
Originally published on Medium
I love the Geek Girl books. I even wrote about why I love the series back in 2022.
When I learned that Netflix turned the book into a TV show, I wondered “Will the adaptation be good or awful?” Netflix’s past book-to-TV adaptations are usually good so I had high hopes.
And I wasn’t completely disappointed.
I love the Netflix show.
Adaptations are rarely exact translations, more like interpretations of the book from text to visuals. The Geek Girl Netflix show interprets the spirit of the book while making many changes to the story. While I understood (and even appreciated) some of the changes, I didn’t like all of them.
WHAT I LOVED ABOUT THE GEEK GIRL NETFLIX SHOW
The modeling makeover revealed to friends and family, not the love interest
In stereotypical teen movies, when the female protagonist dresses up for the first time, the love interest is the first person to see her. We expect this trope, this moment for the male gaze. But in Geek Girl, when Harriet’s modeling makeover is revealed, who is the first person to see her?
The love interest? No. It’s her dad. And for the second makeover scene, her family and friends see her and gasp in delight.
I liked that.
Because as great as Nick the love interest is, this makeover wasn’t about him. This wasn’t a 90’s movie protagonist changing herself to get the guy. She changed to become more confident in herself. And yes, Nick supports that but he’s new. Let the people who’ve known her rejoice first at her caterpillar-to-butterfly moment.
Wilbur
Wilbur is a major character in the book and getting him right is key to the story. The actor does such a great job with this character. He IS Wilbur.
I loved how he swapped from his pretentious accent to his normal voice to a Jamaican accent depending on the situation or to emphasize a point.
Betty the new character
She’s a totally new character invented for the Netflix show. Not in the book at all. Surprisingly, I like Betty. I can’t even explain why but she fits. She fills a hole in the show, I guess.
Harriet’s autism left undiagnosed
I honestly liked that they kept her undiagnosed. It felt more realistic since I was not diagnosed as a child or teen.
Harriet’s moment of honesty on Live TV
I loved Harriet telling off the modeling agency owner. It reminded me of the stories I used to write where the main character tells off another character, saying exactly what I wished I could say in real life.
Natalie joining Harriet to audition for Infinity Models agency
Nat finding out about Harriet being a model was very different from the book but I liked it.
In the book, Nat is upset at Harriet for lying and is absent for most of the modeling story. I support changing this for the show so we see their best friendship early on.
I like that we see how supportive Show Nat is of Harriet’s new modeling career, even though this was Nat’s dream first. This is the same as the book. Once Book Nat forgives Harriet, she’s totally supportive of the new modeling career.
WHAT I DIDN’T LIKE ABOUT THE GEEK GIRL NETFLIX SHOW
Lexi the mild mean girl
This might be a strange criticism: the bully Lexi was too mild in the show.
In the book, Lexi is an evil mastermind, almost like Moriarty to Harriet’s Sherlock. Lexi is brilliant like Harriet, plus calculating and mean. I could respect a villain like her. In the show, the character feels like a Disney mean girl stereotype, not a fully fleshed out person.
Book Lexi still hates Harriet after the model shoot goes viral. She doesn’t care that Harriet is an internationally famous model now. Lexi isn’t swayed by a little fame. I totally respected her commitment to be Harriet’s archnemesis. She’s a worthy antagonist.
The moment that pushed Harriet to choose modeling
The Lexi-the-weak-bully problem weakens the moment that pushes Harriet to model. That moment is less impactful in the show.
Book Lexi is so awful and is peak awful in the “hands in the air” classroom moment. It was so awful that Harriet was willing to do anything to change her life, even modeling. I didn’t feel the full awfulness of the classroom moment in the show, though.
Annabel the generic mom character
Another strong character who didn’t survive the book-to-TV journey is Harriet’s stepmom Annabel.
I love Annabel in the book.
Book Annabel is a lot like Harriet. Harriet’s Dad jokes that Harriet is more like Annabel than him, her biological parent, because Annabel is organized, practical and factual like Harriet. She’s got a wry, dry sense of humor and can out-logic an upset Harriet. Harriet loves Annabel and doesn’t resent her.
Show Annabel was less endearing to me. She felt like a TV show mom stereotype.
Book Annabel is the opposite of an evil stepmom. But for the first few episodes of the Netflix show, I held my breath as the plot flirted with the evil stepmom cliche.
Show Annabel opposed the idea of modeling differently from Book Annabel. Book Annabel was concerned and confused about Harriet’s sudden interest in modeling. She opposed it based on feminist and logical reasons. Eventually, she supported Harriet’s new dream. Show Annabel’s opposition felt more emotional and irrational, like a Disney channel mom upset about her child growing up. Thankfully, the show course corrects and later shows a more supportive Annabel.
I also missed the book scene reveal that Annabel knew about the modeling jobs the whole time. She was behind the scenes supporting Harriet’s goal even after the lies.
Also, what’s up with Garden Party Annabel? It felt out of character. Is Annabel masking as the sort of person who throws outdoor birthday parties?
The kiss on the catwalk
Yeah, I know this was the “big moment” but it felt way too big and public. I preferred the quieter book kiss scene: Harriet’s friends and family eavesdropping behind a door while Harriet and Nick kiss alone backstage at a TV show.
Nick told Wilbur to get Harriet for the modeling campaign
I can’t believe we cut this majorly important plot out of the show! Nick is the whole reason Wilbur noticed Harriet! I loved that reveal in the book.
Also, I love the meet-cute under-the-table. From the beginning, Nick easily converses with Harriet’s random facts and questions and throws in his own random ones too. It’s clear to see why Harriet likes him so much.
I also miss when Nick tells Harriet that Wilbur keeps throwing him out to see how many pretty girls he’ll bring back and Harriet compares him to a maggot. That part made me laugh truly out loud.
The “Geek” sign on Harriet’s back
The book did not include Poppy putting the sign “geek” on Harriet’s back in the major fashion show catwalk. (Poppy isn’t even in the first book, but that’s not my point here.)
But how did NO ONE see that sign on her back? In the middle of a model show? When makeup artists are obsessively touching up makeup and clothing?
Come on Netflix. I love this show but that’s a biig stretch for me. I don’t know if I can suspend my disbelief that much.
Richard fired for skipping work
I did NOT like this change from the book.
In the show, Harriet’s dad skips work to accompany Harriet on her first modeling shoot in Canada. When his boss calls and realizes Richard lied about being home, Richard loses his job. In the book, Richard was fired BEFORE the modeling shoot and that’s why he was able to go.
This felt out of character for Richard, a dad who loves his family and tries his best to care for them. Richard is not always responsible but getting fired for skipping work felt too irresponsible even for him. Book Richard upsets a client and gets fired, which fits his character (I suspect he’s ADHD-coded). But Show Richard deliberately put his job in danger.
Also, why did Show Annabel never bring up his job loss? Did she not find out? Did he hide it? What happened?? In the book, his job loss is a major reason Annabel gets upset and leaves.
Final Thoughts
I thoroughly enjoyed the Geek Girl Netflix show and recommend it to anyone looking for a wholesome, light story about a girl who makes new friends while she learns to love herself as she is.
I Thought Echolalia Was Only Spoken Words but I Was Wrong: Examples of internal echolalia from an autistic Black woman
Originally published on Medium
When I first realized I was autistic, I researched everything I could find about being autistic, including the concept of echolalia.
Echolalia, as I understood it then, is repeating what someone else said instead of using your own words. To professionals, it’s an obnoxious problem with no communicative value, so they want to train autistic kids to stop doing it.
But echolalia does serve a communicative purpose, like memes that friends share with each other. When you know the reference, the media snippet communicates an appropriate feeling or concept. It’s like sharing a moment to connect with another person.
I read those professional explanations and thought: Yeah, I don’t think I have that.
And then I read more experiences from autistic people’s perspectives and realized: Wait a minute, I don’t do it out loud but I do this mentally.
I repeat phrases from songs, movies, and other media all the time.
After that, I was curious.
What are my personal echolalic phrases?
So about a year ago, I started writing them down. Most of them are snippets from songs that I mentally repeat verbatim with the same tone of voice and rhythm. I rarely say these out loud unless I’m with someone who understands the reference or is already used to my random utterances.
I’ll share 9 of them in the following list. And to help you fully understand the phrase, I’ll first share the words or events that trigger the echolalia, then the specific phrase that repeats in my head, and the origin of the phrase.
So each list item will look like this: Trigger event/phrase — Echolalic phrase — Origin of echolalic phrase.
I hope that’s clear! Here’s the list:
Someone says “It’s the weekend” — “It’s the weekend, it’s the weekend.” — from a rap song I can’t find, so the reference is lost for now.
When I can’t find my glasses — “My glasses!” — Velma from Scooby Doo.
When someone asks where I learned something I read about on the internet — “Internet” — Timmy Turner from Fairly Odd Parents. This gif is not the exact sound snippet my brain plays but it’s close enough.
Someone mentions Boston or Massachusetts — “Boston Mass 02134, send it to Zoom!” — From the outro from the awesome 90’s PBS show Zoom.
Get in there — “Get in there, yeah yeah” — from the chorus of the dance song Wobble
Fight me — “You don’t wanna fight me, in my extra small white T” — from the song Taylor Swift ft. T-Pain Thug Story.
The word beach — “Vamos a la playa” — from the song Vamos a la playa by Los Joao song.
The word condo — “I got a condo in Manhattan” — from the song What I Like by Bruno Mars
The word gazebo — “Gazebo, zebo” — from the song Take You to Rio by Ester Dean.
I smile every time these echolalic phrases pop up. It’s like having an inside joke with myself.
And when I can share these with someone else who gets the reference? It’s a nice moment of connection.
Is my autistic burnout over?: I don’t know, but probably not
Originally published on Medium
I’ve written about what’s helped me through autistic burnout, a process that started about 4 years ago. Maybe you’re like me and wondering: is my burnout over?
I honestly don’t know.
I don’t think it is.
It’s like when I’ve been really really sick and I’m finally feeling well enough to sit up and read or watch TV. I’m definitely not super sick anymore.
But am I completely better? Not quite.
I still need to rest from my usual activities. If I don’t, then I’ll be sick for longer and possibly get worse.
I think that’s the phase I’m in now. I can’t push too far or my burnout will return and maybe be worse than before.
I’m still in resting mode, but I wanted to share what’s helped me get here.