When encouragement isn’t encouraging: This neurodivergent woman’s internal motivation is loud enough

Originally published on Medium

Pickleball made me realize how irritated I get when people cheer me on during a game.

(I’m unsure if this is a me thing or a neurodivergent thing. Do you have the same reaction?)

I first noticed this while playing board games and video games. My husband wanted to be encouraging so he would say things like “You can do it!” or “You got this!” Positive, supportive comments that I’ve always heard other people say to each other.

But the encouragement didn’t help me do better. I hypothesized that the interjections were distracting me so I asked my husband to stop saying them. He could encourage me silently or congratulate me after I did the thing.

And then I felt like a horrible person. Other people seemed to thrive off encouragement. Why did it affect me differently? Maybe I’m unused to this because I never did organized sports as a kid?

And then, years later, I started playing pickleball. I’m not great at it. I can return the ball but my serve is consistently inconsistent.

I seem athletic until my awkwardness emerges. I think this inconsistency confuses actual athletes so they give me unsolicited advice on how to improve that I accept with an outward smile. But inwardly?

Internally, I fight my old people-pleasing urge to follow their advice and perfectly play, knowing my actual skills will be the same once they stop watching me. I remind myself that it’s better for me to take it slow and build a solid foundation for better future performance. I don’t do miraculous training montages. It’s a slow journey.

Also, we’re playing for fun. I’m not aiming for professional level skills.

When their advice doesn’t work, teammates and friends focus on another tactic: encouragement.

They cheer me on personally, by name. After I mess up, they say “Good try!” or “Almost!” After I do well, they cheer “Good job!”

And that’s when I realize: I’m not getting used to it. The personal encouragement is actually irritating me the more I hear it. (The few comments that don’t make me cringe are observations or surprise like “Wow! The ball made it over.”)

I don’t think my irritation is the encouragement’s intended goal.

Imagine this specific situation: I served the ball but it’s out. My team loses the point. I realize I didn’t swing from my feet like before and that’s why this serve failed. Next time, I’ll stand like this I think and shift my feet, trying to memorize the feel of the stance. Then I shake off the disappointment and prepare to return the next serve, ready, excited to play. And then I hear:

“Good try!”

I try not to make a face and show my immediate reaction of Please don’t do that. I breathe a couple deep breaths and bounce to release my suddenly tense muscles. I half smile in case someone is looking at my face so I don’t look mad.

Because I’m not mad. It’s just…How do you tell someone that what they think is helpful is actually doing the opposite?

And then I start thinking: Am I playing that bad? My teammate deserves a better partner. Oh my god, should I be encouraging my teammate? Is it too late to say “Good job?” My playing becomes a performance.

I don’t like when that happens.

I appreciate the intent behind this encouragement. I want to be a good teammate so I remind myself to vocally support others during games. I’ve thought hard about why I react so negatively to in-the-moment encouragement and I think it’s because my motivation is internal not external. I’m my own biggest cheerleader and we like our cheers silent.

But after the game? After we end for the day and gather to drink water and rest? I can take in all the feedback and encouragement then.