The problem with undefined social invitations: This is why I'm just going to say "no"
Originally published on Substack
Okay. Fine. I admit it.
I don’t handle social ambiguity well.
To have fun, I need as much clarity and specificity as possible. Specificity like sending a Calendly link to schedule a catch-up with my sister. That’s the level of unambiguity I need to enjoy a social event.
So invitations like “come over anytime” are just not for me due to the ridiculous amount of time spent analyzing them, looking for meaning.
First, I wonder if it’s an actual invitation. Or maybe the invite is the polite message “I’m saying goodbye in a way to leave this conversation without feeling bad.”
Then, if I feel this is a genuine invitation, I try to figure out the meaning of “anytime.”
They haven’t told me their preferred visiting times. I don’t know their daily schedule. So am I supposed to intuit what “anytime” means? (Because I know it's not literally any time. I doubt they want me to pop by at midnight.)
Next, I think about what we’ll do during the visit. Should I bring a game to play? What if I don’t feel like talking? And how long should I stay?
After all that thinking, I’m tired already. And I haven’t even gotten to the actual peopling part!
So let’s be honest:
I’m not showing up to your casual “come anytime” invite.
Sorry not sorry.
But if you say something like “Hey, I’m making cookies tomorrow. Stop by around 5 to get some.”
I’ll be there.
Because instead of freezing from analysis-paralysis, I can ask myself easy questions with easy answers:
Am I free around 5? Yes.
Do I want cookies? Yes.
And even if I don’t want cookies, do I want to visit this person? Yes.
That’s the level of specificity I need to enjoy being around other people.
