Tutoring quiet kids helped heal my inner quiet kid: Because being quiet felt like a bad thing

Originally published on Medium

I tutored math for almost 2 years. I had different students, some quiet, some more talkative. I noticed that my lessons with the more confident, talkative kids felt easier to do. The quieter kids felt like more effort.

That realization horrified me because I was a quiet kid.

I remember how inadequate I felt at school, worrying that my teacher didn’t like me. I felt them connect with other students. But no matter how nice I was, I couldn’t connect like that.

I also saw that more talkative, confident students didn’t need coaxing out of a shell. They didn’t need extra questions. There were no awkward silences to wait through.

But I was a quiet kid. I hung back in class. I wished for extra questions and more time to think them through. I wore silence like an itchy sweater. I felt like a bother, like I didn’t talk enough so I smiled a lot to try and make up for it.

I hated that I was potentially making another quiet kid feel the same way.

So what was the problem? I was a quiet kid so shouldn’t I know how to connect with quiet kids?

Normally, yes.

Outside of tutoring, I treat kids like individuals, human beings who can teach me as much as I teach them. I can be quiet with them.

But I abandoned my usual approach and imitated other math tutors because I felt like an imposter. Like, who was I to call myself a math tutor? I wasn’t a certified math teacher.

I imitated other math tutors, adults who follow the conventional belief: “I’m the adult and I must teach you. You’re the kid and you must listen to me.” That’s how I was treated as a child.

Didn’t work for me. Wasn’t working now.

So I stopped.

I went back to how I usually talk with kids. I got curious. I let the silence breathe. I asked more questions.

And eventually the quiet kids became just as easy as the talkative ones.

And my old hurt at being the quiet kid began to heal.