Journal entries from an undiagnosed autistic girl: Part 3 - The struggle to answer the question “Why am I so weird?”
Originally published on Medium
This is part 3 in a series where I share entries from the journal I kept while growing up. It’s something nice to look back on when I start to wonder if I’m feeling too happy to actually be autistic.
I already wrote about my struggle with eye contact and interacting with people. Now, I’ll share my search to figure out why I felt so, well, weird while growing up.
Note: These entries will be abridged and only the relevant parts included because I tended to write long journal entries.
December 2, 2009
I read about social anxiety and voila! There it was: me. I thought I was strange! (Well I am, but explained in a clinical way, I don’t seem to be strange.)…[I discuss my issues with eye contact and dislike of small talk] So. Idk. Do I have social anxiety? Or is it just shyness?
Feb 11, 2012
I found my personality trail! Remember I wrote about wanting to find my own personality? For the longest I kept trying to imitate the traits I liked in other people so I was really confused and felt off whenever I did because it never felt right. Like I was wearing the pretty, fancy ball gown that all the fashion magazines said would make me more stylish but still felt blah.
So I stopped. I felt boring, but I stopped. And just reacted to see how I would do it. Then I read about introversion and that really helped. And I found pieces of me floating round that I knew were me but never really fit anywhere. Like sometimes just needing to get away from people for a bit.
Another discovery: I do better socially when interaction is based around a goal of helping someone else/cooperating with others. So focused group projects aren’t totally heinous activities. (Key word: Focused)
I don’t like things to not have a point. It gets on my nerves. Yet I do like unplanned social time/hanging out (as long as it isn’t too much & doesn’t interfere with other necessary activities).
Oh. And I am bad at narration (verbally). On paper I can be excellent.
Silence doesn’t scare me. Nope. Think I like it too much. A veces I have to snap myself out of it and return to the world of talking and thinking.
I like listening to other people’s convos, analyzing people and their motives (but not of celebrities or famous people. I don’t know them.)
I like organizing. Lists. Helping plan stuff. Being given a problem and what the person wants fixed (need specific parameters) and finding a solution.
June 23, 2016
Crowds of people cause tunnel vision — I must focus on a few sensations to shut all others out. Light, colors, noise are filtered. Familiar place? I breathe easier. One less thing to filter. Familiar people? More breathing. Familiarity breathes calm into my overloaded system.
New place? New people? New way to interact? Newnewnewnew….
Can’t see, can’t breathe, can’t think. Must escape, sit down, shut down. Wrong place/time, so stressful. No breathing.
In 2021 I finally got the answer to why I felt so strange: I’m autistic.
My current journal entries are different now that I’m no longer constantly searching for answers to my eye contact and social interaction questions. Instead, I focus on what works and doesn’t work for me, what gives me energy and what takes it away.
Wondering whether I’m actually autistic just because I feel happy and full of life 3 days in a row?
That takes energy away.
Simply enjoying this new feeling of being happy 3 days in a row?
That’s an energy boost.
Journal entries from an undiagnosed autistic girl: Part 2 - The struggle with people interaction
Originally published on Medium
This is part 2 in a series where I share entries from the journal I kept while growing up. It’s nice to look back on old journal entries when I start to wonder if I’m feeling too happy to actually be autistic.
I already wrote about my struggle with eye contact. This post will focus on my ongoing struggle to interact with people.
Note: These entries will be abridged and only the relevant parts included because I tended to write long journal entries.
December 1, 2009
…And I am afraid I don’t know when to leave. I always try to leave a conversation early before anyone gets truly annoyed with me. Or really bored. And it’s usually an awkward exit so the person prolly thinks I don’t like them and couldn’t wait to leave. Which isn‘t true.
December 2, 2009
“Small talk“ is horrible for me. I don’t like it. Checkout counters, library, store, food place- all make me nervous b/c I think I’m expected to make “small talk”. But I don’t know how. And once I avoided doing an extra credit assignment this semester because I was too anxious — it involved talking to a few strangers at a career fair. I just couldn’t do it. I walked around meaning to go, trying to get up the courage….and then didn’t go. Silly, yes.
December 25, 2009
I missed saying “hello” to about 4 people today because I was scared to. And I didn’t really think it would matter because people don’t seem to notice whether I say hi or not anyways. I just slip in and out of conversations… Except, what if they think I’m being, I don’t know, snobby?
April 24, 2010
Ouch, I’m mean. Ugh. I hate that. This is another reason I don’t like opening my mouth too much, I can be mean without thinking about it. And I don’t realize how bad something sounds until it’s too late. And it’s not majorly mean stuff, but it’s still nonreturnable.
December 7, 2011
I think my thorn in the side is people. In this time I might never turn into a people person or ever really feel comfortable around them or be skilled at talking to them. That’s my problem.
Doesn’t mean I’ll stop trying, tho.
January 11, 2014
How am I supposed to have any real fun if I’m always working working working on people interaction???
Does it ever get fun????? Am I being overdramatic?
I suppose it could be worse but is it wrong to wish for better?
April 1, 2014
One-on-one with all but a few people, I freeze. I can talk yes, but it really doesn’t flow. Even at my best. It bothers me because I want to be the person with friends to just hang out with but when I do hang, I can’t wait to go home…The socializing one-on-one is super stressing…
Maybe if I do it over and over it will get easier tho.
December 5, 2017
Yesterday I discovered (rediscovered?) how I still don’t know much about socializing. Like, where does a conversation go when there’s no point? Is it a mercy to kill it eventually?
These journal entries give me further proof that no, autism isn’t something I decided I had after being on social media. This is an issue I’ve dealt with for a long time.
But if I need still more evidence, there’s my life-long research to figure out “Why am I so weird?” Read about it in the last part of this 3 part series.
Journal entries from an undiagnosed autistic girl: Part 1 - The struggle with eye contact
Originally published on Medium
When I’ve been having multiple days in a row of honoring my needs and routines, I feel great. Relaxed. Happy.
Then I start to wonder: Am I really autistic? Was it really that bad before knowing or did I exaggerate?
And I have a conflicted feeling of needing to be miserable to prove that ‘Yes, I am autistic’ because I’ve only ever heard of miserable autistic people in popular media and in eavesdropped conversations. As if misery is a required part of the autistic personality and not the outcome of various internal and external factors.
Thankfully, my past self kept an excruciatingly detailed record of my inner thoughts that I can turn to in moments like this.
I present to you the journal of an undiagnosed autistic teenager-turned-young adult.
I’ll share what I wrote about one of the most well-known symptoms of autism — struggling with eye contact.
In my next articles, I’ll share entries about other symptoms: the struggle to interact with people and my lifelong search to figure out why I felt so different from everyone else.
Note: These entries will be abridged and only the relevant parts included because I tended to write long journal entries.
Dec 1 2009
I looked up ‘compliments’, ‘eye contact’, and ‘conversation’ (again) and reviewed articles on shyness. Yes, reviewed. I’ve been too lazy to really try to follow them. Shame on me, yes. Now, though, I really will try.
I am afraid of eye contact. I’m not sure how to negotiate the business of making eye contact unawkwardly and keeping it and releasing it.
December 2, 2009
Eye contact is hard. It makes me nervous. I remember having trouble with it (about 4 or 5 years ago).
April 7, 2010
Yesterday, I thought long and hard about my social problem and came up with this: I don’t really try… I am socially lazy. It doesn’t help that I really don’t like talking that much, either… So I’m going to need to work on things a step at a time. First, I’ll start with eye contact. I’ll write a question about it, research, and write my results and comments in here.
Question 1: What is eye contact and how can it be managed successfully?
After rereading these entries, I realized how often I put myself down. How often I said I didn’t try enough, that I needed to try harder. I send past me so much love because I tried SO HARD. I didn’t realize how much effort I was putting into something other people just did without thinking about it.
And I also feel validated that no, autism isn’t something I exaggerated or a problem I invented. This is an issue I’ve dealt with for a long time.
But on the days I need more evidence, there’s my life-long struggle to interact with other people. Read about it in Part 2 of this 3 part series.