Journal entries from an undiagnosed autistic girl: Part 3 - The struggle to answer the question “Why am I so weird?”

Originally published on Medium

This is part 3 in a series where I share entries from the journal I kept while growing up. It’s something nice to look back on when I start to wonder if I’m feeling too happy to actually be autistic.

I already wrote about my struggle with eye contact and interacting with people. Now, I’ll share my search to figure out why I felt so, well, weird while growing up.

Note: These entries will be abridged and only the relevant parts included because I tended to write long journal entries.

December 2, 2009

I read about social anxiety and voila! There it was: me. I thought I was strange! (Well I am, but explained in a clinical way, I don’t seem to be strange.)…[I discuss my issues with eye contact and dislike of small talk] So. Idk. Do I have social anxiety? Or is it just shyness?

Feb 11, 2012

I found my personality trail! Remember I wrote about wanting to find my own personality? For the longest I kept trying to imitate the traits I liked in other people so I was really confused and felt off whenever I did because it never felt right. Like I was wearing the pretty, fancy ball gown that all the fashion magazines said would make me more stylish but still felt blah.

So I stopped. I felt boring, but I stopped. And just reacted to see how I would do it. Then I read about introversion and that really helped. And I found pieces of me floating round that I knew were me but never really fit anywhere. Like sometimes just needing to get away from people for a bit.

Another discovery: I do better socially when interaction is based around a goal of helping someone else/cooperating with others. So focused group projects aren’t totally heinous activities. (Key word: Focused)

I don’t like things to not have a point. It gets on my nerves. Yet I do like unplanned social time/hanging out (as long as it isn’t too much & doesn’t interfere with other necessary activities).

Oh. And I am bad at narration (verbally). On paper I can be excellent.

Silence doesn’t scare me. Nope. Think I like it too much. A veces I have to snap myself out of it and return to the world of talking and thinking.

I like listening to other people’s convos, analyzing people and their motives (but not of celebrities or famous people. I don’t know them.)

I like organizing. Lists. Helping plan stuff. Being given a problem and what the person wants fixed (need specific parameters) and finding a solution.

June 23, 2016

Crowds of people cause tunnel vision — I must focus on a few sensations to shut all others out. Light, colors, noise are filtered. Familiar place? I breathe easier. One less thing to filter. Familiar people? More breathing. Familiarity breathes calm into my overloaded system.

New place? New people? New way to interact? Newnewnewnew….

Can’t see, can’t breathe, can’t think. Must escape, sit down, shut down. Wrong place/time, so stressful. No breathing.

In 2021 I finally got the answer to why I felt so strange: I’m autistic.

My current journal entries are different now that I’m no longer constantly searching for answers to my eye contact and social interaction questions. Instead, I focus on what works and doesn’t work for me, what gives me energy and what takes it away.

Wondering whether I’m actually autistic just because I feel happy and full of life 3 days in a row?

That takes energy away.

Simply enjoying this new feeling of being happy 3 days in a row?

That’s an energy boost.