The struggle to converse as an undiagnosed autistic teen: The oppressive nature of expectant silence
Originally published on Medium
This was a familiar situation while growing up.
I sit on the passenger side of the car and watch the road outside the window: gas station, dollar store, house, house, house.
It’s been a minute and no one has said anything. That’s okay, begins my inner pep talk. You still have a few minutes before this begins to feel awkward. Enjoy the silence.
My inner realist can’t help chiming in. Umm, if you don’t start talking soon, you won’t be able to say anything this whole morning.
The inner pep talk tries to take back control. No, it’s okay. Just relax and enjoy the silence and then when you feel ready, say something.
I glance over at the woman from my church driving the car and then quickly gaze out the window again like I haven’t seen this same stretch of the city multiple times this month. I widen my eyes in feigned fascination as I figure out what to say before my throat refuses to make any sound at all. I have about 5 minutes before the heavy silence pushes my throat closed and it refuses to make a sound.
My inner pep talk tries to help me relax. Remember, you don’t have to talk. It’s okay if you don’t.
The inner realist seems to snort, if that’s possible. Suure, and no one in this car is waiting for you to say at least How are you? Because you sat down without a word, remember? That’s totally weird. And rude. You should at least ask a question. I think so too, but all my prepared questions flee my brain as soon as I reach for them. There’s nothing there.
I feel the car slowing down. We are arriving at our destination where I will have to work with the woman for the next hour or two until we take a break and meet back up with the rest of our group.
My inner pep talk is quiet as I try not to panic. Too much time has passed without me speaking and now my throat is tight. Can I say something before it’s too late? Come on come on comeoncomeoncomeon…
I smile and force out “It feels so good outside today.”
My inner pep talk and inner realist scream Omg thank goodness! in agreement for once today.
I sigh. Yes, thank goodness it wasn’t too late.
But why does this have to be so hard?