I didn’t know what stimming was: But I’ve done it my whole life

Originally published on Medium

When I first realized I was autistic, I felt sad because I didn’t have a major trait: I didn’t stim.

At least, I thought I didn’t stim…

And then I watched more videos by actually autistic people. I listened and watched.

And I remembered.

At church, we stood and sang 3 times at every service and I always swayed to the music. If you’re imagining the rhythmic, cool movements of a choir singer, stop. This is a back-and-forth-rocking-on-my-feet-movement. As I got older, I noticed I was the only person moving so much during the songs. So I tried to stop. If I concentrated hard, I could stand still and sing like everyone else.

And I remembered

Apparently it’s common knowledge that only nervous people fidget and avoid eye contact during conversation. I didn’t want to appear nervous when I actually wasn’t so I willed my limbs to be still. No tapping feet, dancing fingers or floppy arms. Ironically, not moving made me feel nervous and really need to move.

And I remembered

Playing with my hands: fingers tip to tip, squeeze together, make fists, interlock fingers and rock forward. Pretending I need to stretch my arms every 5 minutes just to acceptably move in public.

I remembered

Explaining to people that I “make my own sound effects” so they aren’t surprised by the random noises I make.

Certain songs playing in my head when I’m anxious and catching myself unconsciously humming or singing them aloud.

Doing a happy dance when I eat delicious food.

Dancing alone in my room after school to shake off the emotions of the day. No particular dance style. Just let the music move me to spin and jump and feel.

I remembered:

I do stim.