What’s so familiar about the phrase “You don’t look autistic”: And why it doesn’t bother me (much)
Originally published on Medium
When I first dove into the online autistic community, one phrase kept popping up as other people’s typical response to being diagnosed as autistic later in life: “ You don’t seem autistic.”
Well, I didn’t get this response very often.
True, I got some awkward pauses or a mention of an autistic young nephew but it wasn’t always said using this particular set of words. But I do understand the irritation and offense this phrase causes because I have heard another similar phrase said to and about me: “You don’t act black.”
Like “You don’t look autistic,” this phrase comes in different flavors like being called an “Oreo” or overhearing a black beautician tell my mom her daughters “talk white”.
But I don’t get offended by these phrases. I just wish people would explicitly say what they mean instead of using this too-broad generalization.
As a kid, I used to think the phrase “You don’t act black” was a compliment. I thought the person meant “You don’t act like the black people I see on mid-90s to 2000s TV.” Because it was true, I didn’t act like those characters. Those shows weren’t my reality. (I mean, who actually acts like the people on TV?)
But then I later realized those people weren’t using the same definitions I was. What they meant was “I think all black people act a certain way and you don’t act that way”. The phrase “You don’t act [insert a group of people here]” implies there is a limited definition to define members of that group. Only one way to be black. Only one way to be autistic.
But that’s not true.
I am black because I am black. My skin doesn’t have to be a certain color. My hair doesn’t have to be a certain texture. My speech or clothes or music taste doesn’t have to be a certain way.
I am autistic because I am. Because I fit a range of characteristics that leave room for a wide variety of individuals. (Interestingly, this is likely the reason I talk differently. The way my autism and being black interact with each other is fun to try and untangle.)
So if you haven’t learned this handy phrase yet, I’ll share it now: If you’ve met one autistic person, you’ve met one autistic person.
Apply this to any group of people. And when in doubt, ask a genuinely curious question instead of making a sweeping assumption. I will not be offended if you ask if I like fried chicken or trains as long as you listen to the detailed answer.