Note to the store employee: It’s not you, it’s your sales process

Originally published on Medium

I get it. You’re being nice and trying to connect and it’s appreciated. Really.

But I don’t have the mental space for that right now. All I can think about is my car trouble.

I’m mentally rehearsing my explanation of the car issues when you ask: “How was your weekend?”

I say “Good” really quickly because I don’t want to forget my explanation. Also, I don’t think you actually want a detailed answer.

And then you ask a follow up question: “What are your summer plans?” and I think: Maybe I was supposed to give a longer answer to the previous question?

But I haven’t explained what’s wrong with my car yet. I’m still mentally rehearsing that.

Can I say that first and then you try to connect? I’m more open to these social connecting type of questions AFTER you deal with my problem.

But that’s not how the typical sales process works, is it?

Can we change that?

Even on a normal no-car-trouble day, I struggle to answer these connecting questions. I don’t know how detailed an answer you’re expecting. I don’t know how much time I have to answer before you need to move on to the next customer.

And oh crap, was I supposed to ask the question back to you?

When you made a joke during the payment process, I didn’t laugh.

I didn’t laugh because a) I wasn’t sure I heard you correctly and b) I was in the middle of payment and reviewing that I didn’t forget anything important.

Can we leave the jokes for the very very end, too? After all important matters are completed? When I have the mental capacity to focus and react?

But that’s not how the typical sales process works, is it?

Can we change that?

This autistic woman’s thoughts on the Geek Girl Netflix show: I loved it but not all the changes

Spoiler warning: I reference specific scenes from the book and Netflix show so if you’re avoiding spoilers, stop reading and come back after you finish the book and/or show.

Originally published on Medium

I love the Geek Girl books. I even wrote about why I love the series back in 2022.

When I learned that Netflix turned the book into a TV show, I wondered “Will the adaptation be good or awful?” Netflix’s past book-to-TV adaptations are usually good so I had high hopes.

And I wasn’t completely disappointed.

I love the Netflix show.

Adaptations are rarely exact translations, more like interpretations of the book from text to visuals. The Geek Girl Netflix show interprets the spirit of the book while making many changes to the story. While I understood (and even appreciated) some of the changes, I didn’t like all of them.

WHAT I LOVED ABOUT THE GEEK GIRL NETFLIX SHOW

The modeling makeover revealed to friends and family, not the love interest

In stereotypical teen movies, when the female protagonist dresses up for the first time, the love interest is the first person to see her. We expect this trope, this moment for the male gaze. But in Geek Girl, when Harriet’s modeling makeover is revealed, who is the first person to see her?

The love interest? No. It’s her dad. And for the second makeover scene, her family and friends see her and gasp in delight.

I liked that.

Because as great as Nick the love interest is, this makeover wasn’t about him. This wasn’t a 90’s movie protagonist changing herself to get the guy. She changed to become more confident in herself. And yes, Nick supports that but he’s new. Let the people who’ve known her rejoice first at her caterpillar-to-butterfly moment.

Wilbur

Wilbur is a major character in the book and getting him right is key to the story. The actor does such a great job with this character. He IS Wilbur.

I loved how he swapped from his pretentious accent to his normal voice to a Jamaican accent depending on the situation or to emphasize a point.

Betty the new character

She’s a totally new character invented for the Netflix show. Not in the book at all. Surprisingly, I like Betty. I can’t even explain why but she fits. She fills a hole in the show, I guess.

Harriet’s autism left undiagnosed

I honestly liked that they kept her undiagnosed. It felt more realistic since I was not diagnosed as a child or teen.

Harriet’s moment of honesty on Live TV

I loved Harriet telling off the modeling agency owner. It reminded me of the stories I used to write where the main character tells off another character, saying exactly what I wished I could say in real life.

Natalie joining Harriet to audition for Infinity Models agency

Nat finding out about Harriet being a model was very different from the book but I liked it.

In the book, Nat is upset at Harriet for lying and is absent for most of the modeling story. I support changing this for the show so we see their best friendship early on.

I like that we see how supportive Show Nat is of Harriet’s new modeling career, even though this was Nat’s dream first. This is the same as the book. Once Book Nat forgives Harriet, she’s totally supportive of the new modeling career.

WHAT I DIDN’T LIKE ABOUT THE GEEK GIRL NETFLIX SHOW

Lexi the mild mean girl

This might be a strange criticism: the bully Lexi was too mild in the show.

In the book, Lexi is an evil mastermind, almost like Moriarty to Harriet’s Sherlock. Lexi is brilliant like Harriet, plus calculating and mean. I could respect a villain like her. In the show, the character feels like a Disney mean girl stereotype, not a fully fleshed out person.

Book Lexi still hates Harriet after the model shoot goes viral. She doesn’t care that Harriet is an internationally famous model now. Lexi isn’t swayed by a little fame. I totally respected her commitment to be Harriet’s archnemesis. She’s a worthy antagonist.

The moment that pushed Harriet to choose modeling

The Lexi-the-weak-bully problem weakens the moment that pushes Harriet to model. That moment is less impactful in the show.

Book Lexi is so awful and is peak awful in the “hands in the air” classroom moment. It was so awful that Harriet was willing to do anything to change her life, even modeling. I didn’t feel the full awfulness of the classroom moment in the show, though.

Annabel the generic mom character

Another strong character who didn’t survive the book-to-TV journey is Harriet’s stepmom Annabel.

I love Annabel in the book.

Book Annabel is a lot like Harriet. Harriet’s Dad jokes that Harriet is more like Annabel than him, her biological parent, because Annabel is organized, practical and factual like Harriet. She’s got a wry, dry sense of humor and can out-logic an upset Harriet. Harriet loves Annabel and doesn’t resent her.

Show Annabel was less endearing to me. She felt like a TV show mom stereotype.

Book Annabel is the opposite of an evil stepmom. But for the first few episodes of the Netflix show, I held my breath as the plot flirted with the evil stepmom cliche.

Show Annabel opposed the idea of modeling differently from Book Annabel. Book Annabel was concerned and confused about Harriet’s sudden interest in modeling. She opposed it based on feminist and logical reasons. Eventually, she supported Harriet’s new dream. Show Annabel’s opposition felt more emotional and irrational, like a Disney channel mom upset about her child growing up. Thankfully, the show course corrects and later shows a more supportive Annabel.

I also missed the book scene reveal that Annabel knew about the modeling jobs the whole time. She was behind the scenes supporting Harriet’s goal even after the lies.

Also, what’s up with Garden Party Annabel? It felt out of character. Is Annabel masking as the sort of person who throws outdoor birthday parties?

The kiss on the catwalk

Yeah, I know this was the “big moment” but it felt way too big and public. I preferred the quieter book kiss scene: Harriet’s friends and family eavesdropping behind a door while Harriet and Nick kiss alone backstage at a TV show.

Nick told Wilbur to get Harriet for the modeling campaign

I can’t believe we cut this majorly important plot out of the show! Nick is the whole reason Wilbur noticed Harriet! I loved that reveal in the book.

Also, I love the meet-cute under-the-table. From the beginning, Nick easily converses with Harriet’s random facts and questions and throws in his own random ones too. It’s clear to see why Harriet likes him so much.

I also miss when Nick tells Harriet that Wilbur keeps throwing him out to see how many pretty girls he’ll bring back and Harriet compares him to a maggot. That part made me laugh truly out loud.

The “Geek” sign on Harriet’s back

The book did not include Poppy putting the sign “geek” on Harriet’s back in the major fashion show catwalk. (Poppy isn’t even in the first book, but that’s not my point here.)

But how did NO ONE see that sign on her back? In the middle of a model show? When makeup artists are obsessively touching up makeup and clothing?

Come on Netflix. I love this show but that’s a biig stretch for me. I don’t know if I can suspend my disbelief that much.

Richard fired for skipping work

I did NOT like this change from the book.

In the show, Harriet’s dad skips work to accompany Harriet on her first modeling shoot in Canada. When his boss calls and realizes Richard lied about being home, Richard loses his job. In the book, Richard was fired BEFORE the modeling shoot and that’s why he was able to go.

This felt out of character for Richard, a dad who loves his family and tries his best to care for them. Richard is not always responsible but getting fired for skipping work felt too irresponsible even for him. Book Richard upsets a client and gets fired, which fits his character (I suspect he’s ADHD-coded). But Show Richard deliberately put his job in danger.

Also, why did Show Annabel never bring up his job loss? Did she not find out? Did he hide it? What happened?? In the book, his job loss is a major reason Annabel gets upset and leaves.

Final Thoughts

I thoroughly enjoyed the Geek Girl Netflix show and recommend it to anyone looking for a wholesome, light story about a girl who makes new friends while she learns to love herself as she is.

I Thought Echolalia Was Only Spoken Words but I Was Wrong: Examples of internal echolalia from an autistic Black woman

Originally published on Medium

When I first realized I was autistic, I researched everything I could find about being autistic, including the concept of echolalia.

Echolalia, as I understood it then, is repeating what someone else said instead of using your own words. To professionals, it’s an obnoxious problem with no communicative value, so they want to train autistic kids to stop doing it.

But echolalia does serve a communicative purpose, like memes that friends share with each other. When you know the reference, the media snippet communicates an appropriate feeling or concept. It’s like sharing a moment to connect with another person.

I read those professional explanations and thought: Yeah, I don’t think I have that.

And then I read more experiences from autistic people’s perspectives and realized: Wait a minute, I don’t do it out loud but I do this mentally.

I repeat phrases from songs, movies, and other media all the time.

After that, I was curious.

What are my personal echolalic phrases?

So about a year ago, I started writing them down. Most of them are snippets from songs that I mentally repeat verbatim with the same tone of voice and rhythm. I rarely say these out loud unless I’m with someone who understands the reference or is already used to my random utterances.

I’ll share 9 of them in the following list. And to help you fully understand the phrase, I’ll first share the words or events that trigger the echolalia, then the specific phrase that repeats in my head, and the origin of the phrase.

So each list item will look like this: Trigger event/phrase — Echolalic phrase — Origin of echolalic phrase.

I hope that’s clear! Here’s the list:

1. Someone says “It’s the weekend” — “It’s the weekend, it’s the weekend.” — from a rap song I can’t find, so the reference is lost for now.

2. When I can’t find my glasses — “My glasses!” — Velma from Scooby Doo.

3. When someone asks where I learned something I read about on the internet — “Internet” — Timmy Turner from Fairly Odd Parents. This gif is not the exact sound snippet my brain plays but it’s close enough.

4. Someone mentions Boston or Massachusetts — “Boston Mass 02134, send it to Zoom!” — From the outro from the awesome 90’s PBS show Zoom.

5. Get in there — “Get in there, yeah yeah” — from the chorus of the dance song Wobble

6. Fight me — “You don’t wanna fight me, in my extra small white T” — from the song Taylor Swift ft. T-Pain Thug Story.

7. The word beach — “Vamos a la playa” — from the song Vamos a la playa by Los Joao song.

8. The word condo — “I got a condo in Manhattan” — from the song What I Like by Bruno Mars

9. The word gazebo — “Gazebo, zebo” — from the song Take You to Rio by Ester Dean.

I smile every time these echolalic phrases pop up. It’s like having an inside joke with myself.

And when I can share these with someone else who gets the reference? It’s a nice moment of connection.

I’m slowly becoming a friend of nature (like sometimes I help out a trapped fly)

Originally published on Medium

I’m not sure when this happened. It was a slow gradual thing. But now, when I see a bug in the house, my first instinct isn’t to freak out or kill it.

I try to help it out.

Weird.

There’s been more bugs than usual since it’s springtime. Sometimes a fly wanders into the room and I hear that familiar buzz.

Usually, I get annoyed then plot how to best trap it with the fly swatter.

But now?

I think: Oh crap, not another one. Why don’t they learn?

I stand up and stare at the fly, hurling its tiny body again and again into the window glass, trying to escape. And I shake my head and continue talking to it like it’s a stubborn toddler.

I know, I know. You want to go outside. Guess what, I can’t let you out this way. The window has a screen. Didn’t your friend from last week warn you? If you come into a house, you gotta leave the same way you came in.

And then I start plotting: How do I get it outside without freaking it out more?

I finally managed to herd the frantic fly out the back door, then shut the door quickly to make sure another fly doesn’t accidentally come in.

And I won’t go into the details of trying to help an anxious bee get outside. After 20 minutes of it crawling the wrong way on the window, I took a deep breath, told my brain to stop screaming “It’s a BEE!!!” and scooped it into a cup and set it free outside.

And then I sat on the floor until I stopped trembling.

I used to think those people that gently trap spiders in cups to set them free outside were crazy.

But apparently I’m one of them now.

I wasn’t expecting that.

A life lesson in the farmers market parking lot: A lesson in self-advocating from a little kid

Originally published on Medium

I didn’t expect to get a deep life lesson in the middle of the farmer’s market parking lot.

My husband and I sometimes stop at a small farmers market held Saturday mornings in a parking lot off a busy street.

On this particular day, my window was down. My husband drove into the parking lot and was about to park.

Through my window, I saw a dad tell a little kid with brown curly hair: “Be careful so he doesn’t run you over.”

And then that little kid turned and yelled at our car “Don’t run me over!”

And I had to stop, mentally record this moment and then later, I wrote it down on my phone so I didn’t forget.

First, because this was the cutest moment.

But more importantly, because I learned something from this kid.

They were so smart. They got a warning from their dad then correctly identified who to warn to ensure their personal safety.

They didn’t hesitate to speak up for themselves.

You go, kid.

I wanna be like you when I grow up.

Rest is actually work: How resting made me a better signer

Originally published on Medium

I was working as an ASL interpreter when the 2020 pandemic started. This meant I drove around a lot to interpret for the Deaf community in different situations. Basically anywhere you imagine a person being — at a doctor’s appointment, in a college class, at a conference — I was there, interpreting and supporting a colleague working with me.

And in between all that interpreting, I signed at church and with church friends. And I practiced at home because I like to improve my language skills. So I did a lot of signing.

But you know what really improved my sign language ability? What made my signing improve so much that a Deaf professional wanted to know how I did it, was I getting mentored?

When he asked the question, I paused for a split second. I thought about it. What had I done?

Well, nothing.

I hadn’t done anything different. Just being home, not working as much, resting more than I ever had, becoming more myself and less anxious.

Oh.

I smiled, shrugged and signed my answer: No, I’ve been resting.

Is my autistic burnout over?: I don’t know, but probably not

Originally published on Medium

I’ve written about what’s helped me through autistic burnout, a process that started about 4 years ago. Maybe you’re like me and wondering: is my burnout over?

I honestly don’t know.

I don’t think it is.

It’s like when I’ve been really really sick and I’m finally feeling well enough to sit up and read or watch TV. I’m definitely not super sick anymore.

But am I completely better? Not quite.

I still need to rest from my usual activities. If I don’t, then I’ll be sick for longer and possibly get worse.

I think that’s the phase I’m in now. I can’t push too far or my burnout will return and maybe be worse than before.

I’m still in resting mode, but I wanted to share what’s helped me get here.

How qigong helped me through autistic burnout: The movement practice that helped me be more present

Originally published on Medium

I wrote about the books and tools that helped me through autistic burnout last week. One of the tools I briefly mentioned that was (and still is) a big help was my qigong practice.

I found qigong on accident.

I was looking for a movement activity to loosen up my tight muscles. I had tried yoga before but it didn’t help much. I did it for about a year and my muscles remained stubbornly tense

I wanted to try something else. I’d heard about tai chi but the few videos I tried on YouTube were too hard to follow. I needed a version of tai chi that was for old people.

So I Googled “tai chi for old people”.

And that’s how I found out about qigong.

I found the YouTube channel Qigong for Vitality and did the videos, usually in the morning. I did the 5 minute Qigong warmup video almost daily and surprisingly that short video helped my tight muscles relax. I eventually bought the membership to access the 30+ minute videos.

The slow movements helped my mind reconnect to my arms and legs, hands and feet. Before, I had to literally put a hand on my limbs to feel them in space. With qigong, I eventually was able to sense them without touching them.

Like yoga, Qigong can be exercise but it’s more a meditative practice. Sitting quietly to meditate or pray usually required a huge effort from me to focus. Performing the slow qigong movements gave my mind something to focus on and it learned to be quiet. After a long time, I could quietly meditate and feel refreshed afterwards.

When explaining qigong to friends and family, I said it helped me calm my overstimulated mind and body. Later, I learned about polyvagal theory and realized that qigong was really helping my vagus nerve. A sign of vagal nerve stimulation is yawning and I yawned A LOT practicing qigong. Sometimes I yawned so much, my eyes were full of tears.

Qigong helped get my body out of flight, fight, and shutdown mode and be more present. Instead of mentally withdrawing in social situations, I was mentally present. I started to notice in real-time how I felt. And I started to notice how often I felt drained around certain people. I started to notice who my body didn’t like being around.

My body was talking to me and I could finally hear it.

Books and tools that helped me through autistic burnout: Because therapy wasn’t for me

Originally published on Medium

Most of my professional help as a late-diagnosed autistic and ADHD woman came from books. I love learning from books. I can focus on the book’s message, stop reading whenever I’m inspired to think or write or act, and even quit the book if I don’t want to finish.

I wanted professional help like therapy or coaching to work for me. But it wasn’t right for me. I did one intro therapy session once. And, after getting diagnosed, I tried a coaching session for autistic/ADHD adults. The therapist and coach were nice people.

The problem? I couldn’t turn off my social mask setting. I kept trying to match the person’s energy and anticipate the best way to answer questions. I couldn’t let myself be me. The social aspect was too distracting for me to let them help. I didn’t want to force it, so I didn’t schedule more sessions.

Thankfully, I still had books.

These are the books that helped me go from “What’s wrong with me?” to “Am I burned out?” to “Ohh! I’m autistic!” to my current “Okay, I understand I’m autistic. What now?” phase.

Oh, and this list is not all in chronological order. My memory isn’t that good. I also linked to the book or tool on Amazon (except for two), so I’ll earn a small commission when you click those links.

Permission to Feel by Mark Brackett

This book taught me that emotions are important. And explained their importance in a way that made sense to me.

And I realized I had no emotional intelligence. Yes, I could write you a scene about a character experiencing complex emotions. But identify those emotions in myself? Not really.

I didn’t like that. So I used the book’s emotion grid (link to image of grid) to practice identifying emotions. It was SO HARD. At first, I identified if I was feeling red, blue, green, or yellow. Then I used the grid to name that emotion.

Emotion Magnets and Mood Tracker

The emotion grid was great but I wanted a more tangible way to practice. So I bought these emotion magnets (not an Amazon link). I put the magnets on the refrigerator for easy access. I liked to figure out my emotions in the morning or after being around a lot of people.

I worked backwards and used the “I want to feel…” prompt to see how I wanted to feel. And then that clarified how I was actually feeling — the opposite. And sometimes, I carried the magnets in a tin in my purse to practice on-the-go.

Like I said, emotions are hard. I needed a lot of practice.

So I did more.

I really really wanted to understand emotions so I bought a Mood Tracker planner to track emotions. The patterns showed me I felt annoyed or upset more than I realized. It gave me the hard data I needed to make changes to feel better.

The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma by Bessel van der Kolk

This book taught me to get out of my head to heal.

What stuck with me: Trauma lingers in the physical body. Moving the body helps release the lingering trauma. So I needed to connect more with my physical body. Not easy. I didn’t feel my arms and legs in space. I had to concentrate on them or put my hand on them to feel them as connected to me. Guided somatic meditations and my qigong practice helped with this.

Running on Empty: Overcome Your Childhood Emotional Neglect and Running on Empty No More: Transform Your Relationships with Your Partner, Your Parents and Your Children by Jonice Webb

These 2 books were external validation that I didn’t get needed emotional support growing up. And that’s a generational problem, so it wasn’t my parents’ fault. They didn’t get what they needed either.

But it happened and it affected me and that is a real problem. I needed this external validation since my internal validation wasn’t enough at the time.

When the Body Says No: Exploring the Stress-Disease Connection by Gabor Maté

This book taught me that ignoring the body’s needs can manifest as serious physical illness.

I kind of already knew this. Every time I missed too many hours of sleep, I got a 24-hour cold that resolved if I slept all day. My body always forced me to rest before I missed too much sleep. This book made me think: I need to listen to my body’s small warnings now before they become more serious.

Looking back, I see my answer to healing was in my body, not my mind. I had to quiet my mind to hear my body’s urgent warning:

We’re tired. It’s time to rest.

Edited to add: I added the article links to one webpage. See them here: https://healingresources.my.canva.site/