Why I’m being pulled toward this work: The invisible money game we’re never taught

I’ve always had a sense that I was missing something when it came to money.

As a kid, I liked to save coins in a little blue box, take them out and stack them, counting what I had. And later, when my dollars became more and my parents asked to borrow some, I gave it to them. I don’t remember getting it back, but I wasn’t keeping score. It just felt like something I did.

I remember watching my mom stress about money. I didn’t know the details as a little girl, but I knew we didn’t have enough. Later, when things got really tight and serious, I asked her to show me where the money was going, let’s make a plan. For the first time, she actually did and I wrote the numbers down on the back of an envelope. There, sitting on a bench at a park, I realized: this isn’t as bad as I thought. There was a plan in there, somewhere. That made me feel better.

Seeing the numbers made it less a scary unknown, something I could work with.

I used to think money was hard and complicated. That rich people had some secret code. Then I found the FIRE movement and realized, oh there’s a system. There are rules, like a game. And I could learn to play.

Starting a business really pushed me into that game. I learned how money flows differently to owners than to employees. I understood (and even empathized at times) why companies outsource. I understood how profit works (and who gets left out).

That changed how I see the world. It also changed how I see my role in it.

I'm not trying to win this game by traditional standards. I'm more interested in making the game visible to people who didn’t even know there was a game.

I care about money because it’s one of the main systems shaping our lives and it’s one most people feel disconnected from, ashamed of, or exhausted by.

But money is a process. You don’t have to have it all figured out. You just need enough clarity to make your choices.

I don’t want to be the expert who teaches you everything. I’d rather be the game tutorial. The person you watch play. “Here’s how I’m doing it. Take what works.”

I believe that when people have more clarity around money, they can rest more. They can eat better, breathe easier, parent with more patience. They can help others. They cause less harm.

People might still suck sometimes, but a well-fed, well-rested person is a lot less dangerous than one who’s starving, sleep-deprived, and not sure about tomorrow.

That’s why I care about money and consciousness.

Not because I think we can fix everything.

The game’s gonna be rigged as long as there are people committed to rigging it.

But once you know that? You can stop unconsciously playing their game, skip that side quest.

Or play your own game inside the game, build something that works for you and the people you care about.

That’s where I’m going to play.

The personal development I didn't know was coming: How my business changed me (Why my intuition chose the 2000s makeover instead of the 90s one)

Originally published on Substack

My business gave me a late 2000’s natural makeover but it could have been a 90s business template makeover if I had ignored my intuition.

The way it could’ve gone:

I would have joined a networking group like BNI, ignoring the internal squeeze I felt my first 2 visits. I would've tried so hard to fit in, imitating the way members did things. And it probably would’ve worked, just matching myself to their template of a “successful entrepreneur”.

Just like a 90s makeover.

The makeover artist would’ve looked at my frizzy, kinky curly hair, big glasses, and comfy clothes and thought “She’s got potential.” And then remade me into a classic 90s fashionable woman: straightened the hair, ditched the glasses for contacts, traded out the comfy clothes for pencil skirts with heels. And then erased my face with makeup to create a new face, just like every other fashionable woman’s face.

But I didn’t finish that makeover.

The pull in my stomach wouldn’t let me - it screamed “NO!”

It warned “If you finish this, then you can’t stop. You have to keep bro marketing and networking and showing up ALL THE TIME. That straightened hair needs regular straightening to stay that way. And that makeup requires daily application to keep your face fabulous. Starting means not stopping if you want to keep this success.”

So I took the harder path. I followed my intuition, not knowing where that led, just knowing it was better than staying in templated makeover hell.

Instead, I got a completely different metaphorical makeover.

And that was like a late 2000s makeover. The era of the natural hair and curly girl movements. There was no template for this kind of makeover. It was new.

The makeover artist was creating her own art as she looked at

my metaphorically scraggly hair, tired from constant flat ironing,

my red eyes, dry from daily contact use,

my slightly too small clothes, bought trying to fit in.

The artist could see the real Me hiding and worked to bring her out.

They’d get rid of the flat iron and coax my kinks and curls back to life. They’d tell me to return to glasses and find me clothes in the right size and silhouettes.

And after the makeover I wouldn’t be a new person with a new face and new hair. I would just be more Me.

That’s what doing my business my way did. It made me more Me.

Building my business brought out what was already there, showed me what I unknowingly was already great at instead of contorting myself to fit another’s ideal of a “successful business person”.

And I’m glad I took that way. The natural makeover is superior because the more you complete the makeover, the more YOU you are. Over time, it’s easier to maintain because you become more You.

Just like curly hair getting curlier and healthier with each wash.

What my body was holding: What 365 days of meditation revealed

Originally published on Substack

How I Started

I started meditating off and on in 2023, 10 minutes at a time, usually a simple somatic practice of focusing on a part of my body and noticing the sensations.

I usually only meditated Monday through Friday then stopped over the weekend and had to re-start on Monday again (if I remembered to do it). But in April 2024, I had a thought: what if I kept meditating through the weekend?

When I intentionally continued through the weekend, it stuck. I started a streak - 1 week, 1 month, 1 quarter. Eventually, I extended my daily meditation from 10 minutes to 15 (though I sometimes did 5 minutes or even just 1 on busier days).

I became curious if I could reach 365 days.

I did.

Now that I've finished, I'm reflecting on what I learned. After many of my meditation sessions, I journaled my observations. Looking back now, two big changes stood out: my racing thoughts stopped and I discovered deep-stored emotions of unworthiness.

How Meditation Changed My Racing Thoughts

Like many other neurodivergent people, I've always had trouble falling asleep because my mind races at night. When I lay down, my thoughts get the zoomies. I'd get ideas that I had to write down - otherwise I'd lie there trying to remember them instead of falling asleep.

When I started my micro-business tutoring math online, the racing thoughts got worse. I had SO MANY business ideas. And had the same problem when I started my bookkeeping business: too many ideas coming at bedtime.

When I first started meditating, I realized that sitting down, eyes closed, breathing slowly created the same conditions as trying to sleep. I'd slowed down, so my thoughts could come out to play and ideas started rolling in.

I wondered if I was having racing thoughts at night because that was the first time all day my mind had a chance to run free, like a toddler cooped up in a classroom finally released to run around at the end of the day. My mind needed more time to just be, with no distractions so my thoughts could exhaust themselves.

I learned to keep my phone or pen and paper nearby during meditation to write down ideas so I didn’t have to worry about forgetting them. And eventually, I noticed my mind felt clear after a 10-minute meditation. Around the halfway point of the 365 days, my thoughts and ideas became more complete.

I wrote in my journal:

I always have a lot of thoughts but these ideas are like my thoughts all got together and did a group project - more put together [as] one compact idea instead of multiple half ideas... Some days are full of thoughts whirling and other days they settle down quickly within the first few minutes and I can either sit quietly or focus on my body.

Now, 365 days later, those racing thoughts have mostly disappeared. Some meditation sessions are just quiet - I focus on my body instead of watching runaway thoughts. And at bedtime? I rarely have racing thoughts anymore. It's still not easy to fall asleep, but racing thoughts aren’t part of the issue anymore.

How Meditation Affected My Emotions

Meditating opened up communication with my body, and I discovered heavy emotions stored there. You know how people randomly cry during yoga when old emotions release? I got that with meditation.

My meditation shifted to focus on my physical body. (Doing qigong helped with this too - I wrote about that here). Sitting quietly to breathe and focus my attention on my body took it further. It wasn't just focusing on body parts, though. During daily life, I'd notice internal feelings - like a stomach twinge around certain topics or people. I learned to take a 'mental snapshot' of that feeling, then focus on it during meditation.

What usually happened: an emotion released, OR I found more emotions underneath that needed attention to release.

The big emotion that needed releasing: I viscerally didn't feel I deserved good. My body had stored the emotion that I just don't deserve good things, and it couldn't hold much good. Where did it come from? Not sure but some of it felt generational - passed down to me. Some came from childhood family dynamics. Some from my own experiences.

Whatever the cause, it was in my body and impacting me because not being able to physically hold much good caused an "upper limit problem" - unconsciously limiting how much joy I experience (as the book The Big Leap explains - loved that book and it helped me put words to this).

Meditation helped me find and focus on it - the only way to release it. Talking and writing helped me recognize and describe it, but couldn't resolve the physical sensation. I had to feel it and let it release over time. And it took a LOT of time.

Here’s some of my observations on what I found and released:

The discovery of stored emotions:

"Today I released the crap from my middle school to college years during my meditation. I felt something pop in my lower left abdomen/middle. Stuff moved." (Sept 22, 2024)

"Not deserving good" theme:

"I viscerally didn't feel I deserved good. I've been meditating on that part of my body for #3, giving it attention and warmth and I feel that part dissolving (best word I can think of) so I now feel more comfortable with good." (May 19, 2024)

"Today's meditation focused on my left side again and there was more sad. Lots of deep sadness." (Jan 11, 2025)

The discovery of stored generational emotions

"Eventually thought of my mom and aunt - there's some weird jealousy there. And then thought of my grandma and her sisters - some definite rivalry? Something there, probably based on lighter versus darker skin and what comes along with that. When I got to this point, something released in my left side - tension in my midsection and air? gas? Released." (Dec 17, 2024)

The emotional releasing process:

"Today's meditation I focused on what feels like a long rod in my midsection, stomach, like a plug…so I focused on it and it's moved some. Still there but made some progress. Tears fell after." (Feb 18, 2025)

"Found a place on my body where receiving resources (mainly money) has a physical reaction/restriction. It's in my throat, the upper part." (Mar 14, 2025)

I can't say all those heavy emotions are gone, but now my body feels unburdened. Looking back at my journal entries showed me the progress - from that deep buried feeling of not deserving any good to now being able to hold more good and accept more good.

What Now?

So now that I've finished my 365 days, what next? Am I still meditating?

Yes, but not every day. About halfway through, I realized I didn’t want to meditate daily forever. I knew it wasn't the only way to get more in tune with myself, so I gave myself permission to stop the daily practice and do it as needed or wanted. Some days I meditate, some days I don't. But I try to stay in tune with my body. I'm more able to notice what I need - to slow down, to take a breather away from people - in the moment instead of 2 days, 2 weeks, or even 2 months later.

I'm still doing somatic meditation because emotions that aren't mine - the deeply stored ones plus the ones I absorb from other people and situations daily - need regular clearing. But I want to incorporate my other favorite ways to clear emotions - singing and dancing.

Maybe that’s my next experiment?

You can have revenge or change but you can't have both: A lesson from our Southeast Asia travel

Originally published on Substack

You can have revenge or change, but you can’t have both.

And I gave up my chance for revenge to choose change in 2023 when my husband and I traveled for 6 months in Southeast Asia - combining his sabbatical with our desire to travel.

During our travels, my husband Aaron became the “house husband” since he was on sabbatical and I worked remotely. While I stared at Quickbooks on my laptop screen, he cooked and cleaned and even grocery shopped by himself.

And it was awesome.

I would rather not do any of those activities (except maybe grocery shopping).

And then this happened, the moment where I had to choose revenge or connection.

To give context: we arrived in Bangkok, Thailand on July 19.

The moment happened a month later on August 19. So my husband had been the "house husband" for about 2 months - starting when he stopped working a month before our departure, then continuing through our first month in Bangkok.

Read what happened direct from my journal entry:

OMG do you know what Aaron said? We just got home and sat a bit then I went to put laundry in the machine and he went to get water and he came back and said

“I can’t do chores and go out that much. It’s too much to do both.”

Or something like that. Can’t recall verbatim but that was the gist of it.

And omg it was so satisfying. Like he realized that on his own. It’s so satisfying and I wish I could communicate the visceral feel of

HOW

SATISFYING

THIS

IS!!

He gets it. Or part of it. But enough.

He’s not trained to accept that his life is a series of impossible missions just to exist as a woman. He’s just like “no this is not sustainable for me.” So simple.

As you can see, I had 2 reactions to him acknowledging the hard work involved to do chores and then still try to be a fun person who goes out and does fun things.

Let me start with the 2nd reaction.

He quickly realized how hard housework is and said so. I don’t recall how long it took me to admit that to him, but I bet it was longer than 2 months. We women are so used to silently enduring discomfort.

(Related detour that has a point, I promise.)

Do you remember in 2018 when Paul Rudd complained about his uncomfortable Ant-Man suit? And his co-star Evangeline Lilly quipped that men lacked "the life experience of being uncomfortable for the sake of looking good”, highlighting her tall high heels.

And while other women laughed sharing this incident with each other, I thought: “No, men aren’t babies; they’re right. Your clothes shouldn’t make you feel like you’re dying. If we have the choice, we shouldn’t choose this.”

So that was one of my reactions - amazement at how quickly he realized and expressed the too-muchness of chores.

Let’s look at my other reaction.

My other reaction was actually the first - satisfaction that he finally understood my housework struggles. And after that satisfaction? A brief temptation to let him wallow in that frustration, just like Evangeline’s attitude toward Rudd's complaints: "I've endured this all along, now it's your turn."

I was tempted to throw all that old frustration and feel that sweet sweet feeling of “Haha now you see?”

But I didn’t do it.

Because you can have revenge or change, but you can’t have both.

You can have revenge or connection, but not both.

You can have revenge or healing, but not both.

And I wanted change. I wanted to wake up late to a yummy breakfast and a clean home. I wanted to skip grocery trips knowing he’d still return with the right stuff. I wanted better than vindication.

You can have revenge or change, but you can’t have both.

And I chose change.

Outside my bubble, the impossible is possible: Real things I used to think were fake

Originally published on Substack

As a 90s kid, I grew up on the 80s. I watched Happy Days, The Jeffersons, Full House , Good Times and daydreamed about wearing oversized sweatshirts, tights, and ballet flats. I read books featuring kids from the 80s and avidly followed their 80s neighborhood adventures.

Being a savvy reader, I knew not everything I saw or read was real. So you can excuse me, Dear Reader, for thinking the following list of activities was also fiction. I’ve discovered over time that these were very real activities that happened outside of my limited 90s-2000s suburban apartment life.

It’s funny to see the list but it makes me think: we each can live in our own little world, not realizing what’s possible. It’s so important to get out of that bubble to see our own impossible being achieved by others.

Things I used to think were invented for entertainment purposes:

• Basements - Texas homes don’t have basements so I didn’t fully realize their reality until visiting a friend’s home in Philadelphia and hanging out in their basement. Basements are so cool!

• Children riding a bike around town without adult supervision - Most of my outside time as a child had an adult nearby so I couldn’t imagine this

• Children walking to a friend’s house to play - I never lived by the kids I knew and you needed a car to go anywhere.

• Children asking to play with neighbor kid - We didn’t hang out with our neighbors so I had no idea who had a kid or not. Life is lived indoors in the suburbs.

• Cliques - I always thought this was an exaggerated stereotype of school. And then I grew up and discovered adults have way more intense cliques than children do.

• Neighbors greeting you and coming to say hi when you move in to the neighborhood - I have no memory of this happening when we move to a new place. Ever. And my family moved a lot. I’ve never seen it happen in the suburban neighborhoods I lived in, either.

Tell me your story and I’ll find the lesson: Why advice is better in a story

Originally published on Substack

Just because you can do it, doesn’t mean I can too.

I’ve been thinking about this a lot during my personal discovery journey. I like to share my experiences, but not in a “You can do it too!” way. I want to share the story of what I do, because I learn more from stories than a 10-step done-for-you process.

No two people are exactly alike. Even genetically identical twins don’t think exactly the same. We have different sets of strengths and weaknesses. So using a successful entrepreneur’s 10-step process might not work for me. It might even fail horribly.

Because the 10-step process - while detailed - isn’t enough information.

I need the whole story of the success.

Did you succeed because you aligned a generic process to yourself? I CAN do that. My aligned process might look different from yours because it’s aligned to me, not you.

Did you succeed because you didn’t give up and kept going even when it got hard? I CAN do that. My version of “don’t give up” might look different but we get to the same place in the end.

Did you succeed because you got help? I CAN do that. Maybe your version of getting help is to hire a coach. My version is to read helpful books.

And this is why I want the whole story.

When asked the secret to your success, you’ll attribute it to a coach. And if we stopped at this quick advice, I miss the real lesson. But when I hear your full story, the importance of getting help is obvious.

That’s the cool thing about stories.

We can take away the different lessons we need.

And that’s why the advice I want -and need - is not a 10-step done-for-you process. I want the story behind its creation.

Tell me more.

This little black girl wanted to dance but life happens: Three stories I can tell and the one I choose

Originally published on Substack

When I was little, I really wanted to learn ballet but I didn’t go to ballet classes.

I could tell you 2 stories about that, but I don’t like them. So I created a third story, because why get stuck in a story I don’t like?

The first story I can tell you is about that we couldn’t afford ballet classes. My mom was a single mom working nights to take care of 3 girls. We spent our early years living with relatives and in apartments until she bought a house. While my classmates couldn’t wait for summer vacation, I couldn’t wait for back to school and the fun activities I got to do there versus being stuck at home all day.

In this story, I was an underprivileged minority who lacked resources and ballet class was the symbol of all I missed out on.

That’s one story.

The second story I can tell you is about the oldest daughter who squashed her dreams.

I never (and still haven’t) told my mom I wanted to take ballet classes. Before 10 years old, I already knew we didn’t have money. We were poor. And anytime my sisters asked for anything that cost money, I glared at them and shook my head, warning them not to ask and stress our mom out even more. She was already tired from working all night. She had no help from our dad and wasn’t good at asking for help so it all fell on her. I was just a kid but I could help by needing less. I could help by taking care of my sisters, even though I was only 1.5 to 3 years older than my little sisters.

I didn’t need ballet classes, after all.

In this story, I’m the parentified victim, who has to learn to be a child and dream again as an adult. If I really wanted to commit to this storyline, I could take adult ballet classes and realize this long-held dream (and I did consider it).

Those are 2 stories I told myself about my childhood.

But I didn’t like them.

So I made a new one.

The story I’m telling is I wanted to learn ballet and thought “How can I do ballet if I don’t go to ballet class?”

And the answer was in my absolute favorite place - the public library. (Yes, this was before YouTube existed). So I went to the library, checked out books on ballet, and took them home to read. I practiced the 5 positions in the living room. I stretched and walked on my toes (something I did anyway so now it was intentional ballet practice, not just a weird quirk). I learned about the Russian Ballet and the hierarchy of dance companies. I read Ballet Shoes and wondered which orphan’s ending I preferred. I danced in house slippers that looked like ballet slippers.

I didn’t go to ballet class but I still danced.

The point was expression, to dance, and I did. I danced so I was a dancer.

That’s the story I choose.

Because if you give me 2 options I don’t like, I’m going to create a third one I like better.

Why get stuck in stories we don’t like when we can make a new one?

Why I call myself a chaos whisperer: Showing love to my natural skills

Originally published on Substack

I’ve been on a personal development journey and a big part of that is realizing my natural skills are Actually Skills. Because it’s easy for me, I thought it was easy for everyone. But it’s not.

And my main skill?

I’m a chaos whisperer. I coax meaning out of the chaos. I see the chaos as ignored energy waiting for us to pay attention and do something about it.

And I like doing something about it using my pattern recognition. I like the process of taking overwhelming masses of info and deciphering meaning into clear concepts.

I’m still realizing the power of my pattern recognition.

I used that skill when I Konmari’d my belongings years ago. I used that skill to study in college without late night or weekend study sessions and without giving up my personal activities.

I use it now

• to ruin movies - I can predict what’s going to happen next

• to grow my natural hair - I note what’s working and what isn’t to update my routine

• to write - I read widely and synthesize info into one idea

• to cleanup messy bookkeeping - I can see what‘s wrong and what needs to be cleaned up

• to manage my business - I can see what to improve for it to run better

So now I know my pattern recognition is a skill.

Now what?

At this point in my personal journey, I’m shifting from discovery to experimentation. What else can I do?

I’ve been following my intuition all along: What curiosity taught me about not knowing the outcome

Someone asked me what I’m doing with my blog writing and I paused before saying what might be the hardest words for a conventionally educated adult to say: “I don’t know.”

It took years to be able to say that. And longer to say it confidently, even excitedly.

I don’t know where I want my writing to go. I just know I want to do it. Let’s see what happens.

I’m following my curiosity, the way I now realize I always do.

In elementary school, I wrote stories because I wanted to.

In high school, I checked out manga drawing books from the library and taught myself to draw that style for fun.

In middle to high school, I took Spanish classes because I was curious. The state required 2 years of foreign language credit but I did 4 extra years, even opting out of high school senior year English class - I had fulfilled my English credits - to take Spanish 5 and read classical Spanish literature. That just sounded way more interesting than English lit.

Now, as an adult looking back, I can see how that curiosity helped me in unexpected ways.

Did I know as a 12 year old that, in my 20s, I was going to spend a month in Ecuador? I didn’t. I just wanted to learn a language.

Did I know that manga knowledge would be useful as Japanese culture became really popular? Nope, I just thought the stories were cool.

Did I know that my husband and I planning a 3 month long trip to Thailand would become 6 months of travel in Southeast Asia? And that experience would get me featured on 2 different podcasts in 2024? And start another year-long experiment that I may write about next year? I had NO idea.

And did I know I would put those writing skills to use to write online? Definitely not.

Curiosity usually works out.

Even the “failures”, like the 2 mini-businesses I started before my bookkeeping business. One lasted a few months and the other lasted about 1.5 years. But I don’t consider those businesses failures, just finished experiments. They gave me experiences I still use to understand the businesses I help now as a bookkeeper.

The data has convinced this reformed Type A personality - keep following my curiosity. It’s fun and useful. It usually leads to the “or something better” that only the universe can dream up for us.

I wonder where my curiosity takes me in 2025?